Reflections

As 2012 winds down and comes to a close, it's a good time for me, to reflect on all that happened. In doing so, I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for, the lesson's learned, the things that I can build on and the things I can improve on. The memories that I cherish and the things that just need to be thrown away.

2012 was an interesting year, it had some really great highlighted moments and it also had some very hurtful and even confusing moments. But I think that it came to a head last night, as I was chatting with my husband. Sometimes I can get too busy, too involved in "stuff", that I tend to forget the real priorities in my life. And that would be, my relationship with my husband. David has been wonderful in supporting me in my quilting, tote bag making and horse time. He's also been there as my sounding board, when I was confused and frustrated with the forums that I was on. But by the end of the day, I had no energy and that translates into less good quality time, spent with him.

I started out this year, realizing that my quilting had taken on such dominance in my life. To that end, I committed myself to only signing up for "teaching" classes, and not classes that was about making a particular quilt. In the end, I pretty much kept my word on that. I only took one class on making a particular quilt and that was only because it was a quilt I was already planning on making. I also realized, that in order to reduce the stress around the holidays, that I would have to stop at a certain point, in making any more totes for the rest of the year. And this I've done. When I look back at this year, I made about 16 tote bags, all but two, were given away to cancer patients. I put together and finished many quilts. I can't remember off hand how many, but what I've learned this year was, how to be proud of myself, for actually finishing what I've started. :-) Plus, I've learned many new skills and see areas that need some more work.

Forums. After many evenings of being completely frustrated, hurt and even appalled... I came to realize that the drama and quirks, just wasn't worth tearing myself apart. David was sooooo patient as I muddled my way to that conclusion. I did end up walking away from one particular forum that had gotten so out of hand. And the other one... well, I'm weaning myself away from that one. I have decided that forum life isn't for me. It's not to say they are necessarily bad, because they're not. I've learned a great deal from other people. I would say, it's the "politics" involved. Or rather, the cliquishness of them that I don't like and have been hurt by. I feel like I've spent way too much of my time, sharing and responding, to mostly getting ignored in return. This is not good for me and so it was one of the best decisions that I've made, to choose to walk away. And I can't even begin to tell you, how much lighter my heart has been, since I did that. I will believe that "real" friendships will come my way, in time. And they will be relationships in which I feel respected in.

There was a bit of drama within the family as well, as my kids, now adults, find their way and establish their own priorities. I've had to learn to let them go and at the same time, to keep moving forward with my own life. For sooooo many years, especially when my own marriage was faltering, my kids were my life. I've now learned, that I am in charge of my life and it isn't all about them, but rather, the things that I enjoy. Things with the boys are getting better and for that, I am grateful. I did hear from my daughter a few months ago (Sept), but haven't heard anything since then. But at least she responded to my message. It's a start. It's tough to deal with her absence in our life, especially around the holidays and all of the b-days in our family. But I know in my heart, that she's not ready to be with us at this time. So I'm trying to be good with that and patient, as she sorts it all out.

But the one GREAT thing that happened this year is the birth of our first granddaughter. :-) Ah, what a blessing that has been, to watch her grow and learn. This Christmas will be very special indeed, spending it with our family and granddaughters.

As I've said, this has been an interesting year, full of ups and downs, good things and hurtful things. But I am walking away from this year, knowing that I have grown so much. And I'm becoming clearer of what I want for my life and what I don't and that is ALWAYS a good thing, isn't it?

Catching Up

Wow, I hadn't realized just how long it's been since I've last posted here. I've been pretty busy with making the tote bags for cancer patients, as well as some quilts that will be given as Christmas gifts this year. Just this past Monday, I was able to deliver a box of tote bags to the nearby cancer center. What a wonderful feeling it was, to know that I'm doing something helpful for others. And I have been pleasantly amazed at the donations of fabric or money that I've received to help keep this project going. :-)

one of the tote bags I've made

The box of tote bags, ready to be delivered

I also recently went thru a pretty severe infection, that turned into MRSA... omg... that was horrible. It was a simple little incident of scrapping my leg while riding and it turned into a staph infection. I was pretty much laid up for 3 weeks, where walking was painful, but not nearly as painful as all of the debriding and packing of the wound was. Thankfully, I'm now on the mend, and I can now get back to my various sewing projects and horse time. :-)

This was our first year of celebrating Halloween with grandkids. Cori was scheduled to work Halloween night, but she came up with the idea to head to our local zoo, where they had a Halloween special going on, a few nights before. Jaelyn, who is now 8 mos old, looked adorable in her Little Red Riding Hood costume and 4yr old Emelina, was dressed up as Snow White.

We've also gone to Apple Annie's Orchard in Wilcox, AZ twice, with the grandkiddos. The first time, we went to go pick apples and the second time we went back, we went on a hayride, to go pick out pumpkins and then went thru the corn maze. It's been amazing to share these fun trips with the girls and I look forward to watching them both grow and sharing many more fun family times together.

Oh, and lest I forget, my long lost daughter, finally contacted us. :-) I have been searching the internet for the past 4 1/2 yrs for her and finally found her on Facebook. I left her a message, and a few weeks later, she responded. She said that she loved and missed us all and had been thinking about us. Despite 2 more messages that I've left, I haven't heard anything more. :-/ It's been 2 mos since I've heard from her. I was really, really hoping, that maybe, just maybe, this years holidays, we could possibly spend with one another as a whole family. But that's not looking possible right now. :-(  I guess the one message that she did send, was the best that she could do for now and while it hurts that it can't be more, I'm grateful for the one message I've gotten from her after all of these years of silence. No one knows of the pain I'm going thru about this, because no one has asked, even after I shared that we finally had heard from her.

And yes, I'm still on both of the previously mentioned forums. :-/ And yes, nothing has changed. I know that I really do need to move on from them. I don't belong there. I just find it so difficult to fully let go. I guess that I foolishly hope that things will improve, but they actually seem to be getting worse. Everyone is lost in their own world and barely recognize what someone else has shared. These were once great friendships that I cherished, and I still do cherish the memories, but people change and head in different directions and suddenly you find that so did the relationships. It's like we've outgrown one another or something. I dunno. Anyways, it is what it is and while I've been finding it difficult to make the final decision to walk away, I have focused on doing other things that make me happy and keep me busy. I just miss being able to share my day with my good friends and to know that they share in my happiness with me. But I've grown enough where as much as it would be great to have friends who care, I am able to give that to myself and call it good.

Well, I think that pretty much catches me up. LOL It's time for me to get going in my day and do some more work on my quilts. I will be back and post pics as they get finished.

Blast From The Past

I'm not sure exactly what prompted me to do this, but while I was on Facebook, I looked up a pastor we had known years ago, back when we lived in MS. All I can say is... oh WOW... it's like going to a high school reunion!!! Funny, how we remember people as we last saw them. Of course, that was like 24 yrs ago and all of us have changed. The children my kids used to play with, are married and have their own kids. The adults that I knew, are showing signs of age and are now grandparents. Of course, then you realize more than ever, that you too, have changed a lot and your kids have also grown up, no longer the toddler and preschoolers they were, when we left. Oh how time flies and how much we all have changed. Of course it is inevitable, but still....

At the same time, for me at least, it was another reminder of how much I have changed in other ways. We no longer go to church!! I have gotten back to my passion with horses, and I have developed a new passion with my quilting. Back then, I was a harried mother, trying to be everything I saw everyone else try to be. I felt back then, like our family was low man on the Christian totem pole. Plus, I struggled to be that southern mama. But I feel like where we live now, I've come into my own, by being able to listen to what it is that I truly like and no longer attempt to be like someone else. I also walked away with the inspiration to want to make sure that take good care of my physical health and continue on the path that fits me best. So yup, a blast from the past and yet it was a nice closure for me as well. As I'm sure I've said before, some people come into your life but for a moment. There were some good times and fond memories and I will treasure them and wish those that I once knew, a wonderful life.

Some Days Are Just Challenging

Tomorrow is my husband's and mine, 32nd Anniversary. Wow... it's hard to believe that we've been together that long, raised 3 kids and now have 2 adorable granddaughters!! Life often feels like it goes at a snails pace, but then you have moments where it feels like it flies by. It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago, that we were shuffling kids to school and taking them to basketball, soccer and baseball practices and games and such. How busy we were back then.

Anyways, hubby has taken the day off (yea) and we're going to spend the day down in Tubac, looking around at all the specialty shops and go out for lunch. Tubac is a place that both of us enjoy. Originally hubby was thinking of the traditional dinner out, but I wanted to do something fun and out of the ordinary. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something together. Especially after the day I had today.

Today was a rough day. One of my horses, came up lame several days ago and I've been soaking her feet. This morning, I noticed a place where the pus had come out, which is a good thing. So I got online and found info on how to make a poultice for her and put that on and wrapped her leg. Wrapping her leg was... uh, interesting. Mija has little patience for someone messing with her feet, so my wrapping wasn't exactly professional looking. When I came out later tonight to feed the horses, I watched as my other horse Bree, was attempting to pull of Mija's bandages. Arghhhh!! So I had to re-wrap it. Well.... I wished that it had been as easy as that, but eventually, we had a heart to heart about me trying to help her. Mija walked over to where I was sitting on the ground, sobbing in frustration. She looked down at my medical kit I had out and I explained to her, that I was just trying to help her feel better. Mija said, "okay". After that, she stood very nicely, while I put the poultice on and re-wrapped her legs. Whew!

And then earlier in the day, my dog Jax, had found my eye glasses and had chewed off the ear pieces. YIKES!!! So in between bandaging an injured horse, I had to run down to the eye glass place to see if they could fix my glasses for me. Well, they couldn't, so I had to buy new frames. Baaaddd Jax!!! So, as I said, not the best of days, but it's over and I'm looking forward to celebrating our anniversary tomorrow.

Life Moves On

As I re-read what I posted yesterday, I have no regrets. I wrote straight from my heart and I stand by every word. I think when we share negative emotions, it can go two ways, either it can be freeing to express our frustrations, or we can feel like we want to take back our negative words. I feel free!

As I mulled over my words yesterday, I realized that what I was looking for on those forums, was friendships. But can you honestly have friendships online with complete or nearly complete strangers? I thought that I could. I still believe that it is possible in the right settings to form lasting friendships. My husband was quick to remind me, that forums tend to be cliquish as well as superficial and maybe they are not the best place for someone like me, who is prone to caring too much. I think he may be right about that. I do have to say that I have met a lot of wonderful people, who opened my eyes to a lot of things that I wouldn't otherwise have known about. So it's not a total loss. I have also traveled thru the country to meet up with many of them, which for me, is a huge thing for me to have done. Traveling by myself and meeting up with strangers, is a huge threshold for me, that normally I would avoid doing. But I did it!! So I can be proud of myself for that.

Being on forums, I was exposed to new ideas and different ways of doing things. I've learned about natural horsemanship, I've learned how to stretch myself out and share what I normally would keep to myself. I've picked up on information regarding Essential Oils, learning to be positive (I was formally the Drama Queen of Negativity), I was introduced to the Laws of Attraction, new recipes (friends are always good for getting you out of cooking ruts)... oh, all sorts of new things I've learned. And I will always be grateful for the things that I've picked up from those that I've met on forums.The people I have met, are wonderful people.

That being said, I've had to face that the down side of forums, were too much for me to handle. And that's okay. It's good to recognize what you feel comfortable with and what you don't. The down side for me is the tendency on forums, for many people to speed read. Speed reading is something we've all done from time to time when we're in a rush and want to catch up quickly. But done on a regular basis, it's a disservice that we do to others. My personal opinion (being the sensitive type) is that if someone is sharing something, then it is important to them. And I want to acknowledge that. But not everyone feels as I do. So that was a struggle for me. Sometimes, and I've had this happen to me several times, is that someone will scan thru something you've written and respond. And then others will look at that poster's comments and make comments based on what was said, not the original post. I literally, got into an argument one time, when I posted something, someone else responded without paying attention to what I had written and more people responded to the misrepresentation. Oh my, what a mess as I tried to sort it out and repeat the correct version and someone actually argued with me about my own story. Seriously??!!! And because I tried to fix the misconception, with one of the "in" people, I was on the outs with this group for several weeks!!! Why I stayed, is beyond me. The problem was, people didn't want to take the time to read what one another was posting. I find responding to someone, by skimming over what is written or using someone else's comments as a base from which you respond, is just plain rude. Someone took the time to write- to share their thoughts and speed reading and then responding, is disrespectful. If you don't have time to carefully read and respond, just say that.

Another down side would be the "in" group. This one forum that I'm on, there is a definite "in group"... lovely ladies all, but those 5 or 6 people, tend to have conversations thru the day, amongst themselves and the rest of us tend to be the tag a longs. I suppose that's human nature to some degree, but for someone like me, who when I share something, I'm sharing from my heart, so when it gets ignored, it hurts me. Anyways, after looking at this and speaking with my husband about my frustrations, I can now easily see, that as much as I like the people and have learned a lot from them, this is just not a setting that works well for me. It's just not worth feeling so hurt during the day. I would do better with face to face friendships, with my personality. I don't need to feel like I have to be someone I'm not, just to fit in. And that's what I was ending up doing.

Anyways... Life moves on and I've been neglecting the things that I was enjoying doing. It would be great and wonderful if I had some people that I could share my excitement and discouragements with... but I have to face that I don't have that... yet. But that shouldn't stop me from doing what I enjoy. So it's time to get back to that and leave forum life behind. And with that said, I have some more tote bags that I need to be finishing up. Later, I will post the ones that I have already finished.

Enough Already!!!

Perhaps I shouldn't even be writing when I am feeling this angry... but I have found that it can be cathartic for me to vent and get the negative toxins out of me, so that I can be more at peace, with me... with my life. And often times, in venting, I find direction for myself. So here goes...

I am beyond fed up with "friends", relationships and people in general!!! My husband has told me numerous of times, that I am not out in the "world" enough, to learn how to harden myself against the disrespect. And he's right, I haven't been. I get to pop out long enough to have some contact, do what I need to do and go back to the safety of my home. On top of that, I am a very sensitive person, so I tend to feel and see more. And I take things personally. But honestly (from my perspective) people can be soooo insensitive and create a world that is all about them, that they can't see how much they've brought pain to someone else.

Time after time, I find myself being on the outside of groups. No matter how I try to fit in... I find myself being ostracized. I'm not part of some "in" group, so I can watch conversations go around me and pass up anything that I may have to share. Someone else can say what I've just finished saying, and they are the ones who get responded to. I can't even begin to tell you how often I've thought to myself "Can you hear me now???" I mean, seriously, it's as if I hadn't spoken!!

I have two forums that I am a member of. People that I have known for a while now and yet... I'm still on the outside looking in. It doesn't matter what I post, for the most part, I get ignored. And the times that I don't get ignored, I get a passing response, while someone else, gets more of their attention. It hurts me deeply, that I think of these people as my friends and to be treated that way. Just in the past two weeks, most of what I've shared, got totally blown over and ignored!! And yet, when they are sharing something exciting in their lives, a cute photo or sharing a struggle they've gone thru, I'm there for them. But where are they, when I want to share an idea, a cute photo or a struggle that I'm going thru??? I can count more times that I've gotten ignored, than responded to and that's NOT a good thing!!! Don't they know or even care, that I am just as proud of my accomplishments and knowledge, as they are of theirs??? Do they know or care that I am just as proud of my new baby granddaughter, as they are of their own grandkids??? Or my horses and dog??? Geesh!!

Let me put this another way...don't you just love it when you share a photo of your grands, when you get positive responses of how beautiful they are? Well, I do too. How about when you share a pic or tel a story about your animals? You know they are the greatest and the smartest of of course, the most beautiful, right? Well, that's how I feel too. If you're having a bad day or a struggle, doesn't it help, just to know that some one else gets it? Maybe they offer an idea, but mostly they just love you and support you and tell you that you're still a great person? I like that too. But it seems to me, that so many people, just want to talk about themselves and maybe someone that they feel close to, but then they ignore the rest. :-( How sad.

Forum life is easy enough to move away from. You just stop wasting your time, posting. And that's what I am going to have to do, to save my sanity. But what do you do, when it's your family that does this as well? You begin to feel paranoid that there is something so wrong with you, that no one thinks you have any value. But I know that I do and I know that there are plenty of people who are missing out on what I bring to the table. Apparently they can live without that. So be it. It wouldn't be so bad, if I felt that I was important to my own husband tho. I'm weary of having conversations with him, on how it hurts to be ignored, only to have him apologize and do it again (eyes rolling). I feel like I'm a freak or something. Or maybe I don't really exist, except for in my own mind... who knows!!! My husband tells me that it's not me, but people (he does include himself in this). He tells me that people get stuck in their own little world and don't pay attention to the quieter ones.

Okay, so I know that I'm quiet. That's who I am. I don't force myself or my opinions, etc on others. I quietly wait for a spot, so I can speak. I'm not comfortable with being like a bull in a china shop and forcing myself on others. So what. Maybe... just maybe, people would realize that I can speak, if given the opportunity to be heard. I have lots to say and share... but I'm not going to fight to get a word in edge wise. Right now, I feel so battered. I don't want to fight to find a place amongst those I care about. I just want the ability to be me. I would love to have a BFF... but those spots have been taken up by others. So I remain on the outside of most conversations. It doesn't matter how intelligent I am, how I bring a different way of doing and looking at things, into a relationship. Nope... if you're considered popular, then those are the ones who people look up to for any ideas. People like me, get passed over.

You know what I want??? I want conversation. I want to be able to listen and respond and have someone listen and respond to me... whether it be about something serious or mundane... I want a two way conversation, where I know for sure, that I'm being heard. I don't care if people disagree with me, as long as I'm being treated with respect. Silence or throwing a few words at me, over your shoulder, as you walk away, is NOT respect!!! That's dismissive and that's rude and hurtful.

So with that being said... I'm done. Stick a fork in me... I'm done!!! No one seems to want to hear what I have to say... so I won't be wasting my time, talking. No one seems to feel that they can learn something new from me or be happy and share in that happiness, of the things I'm most proud of... so I won't waste their time or mine, on sharing. I'll keep it to myself. It's a pity really. There are a lot of quiet, sensitive people, who have much to share, if only they were given an opportunity. But instead, we live in a society where boisterous people, get all of the attention. Well, they don't have a monopoly on a good life, happy things or knowledge. So there's a lot us sensitive types can offer, but no one is hearing us.

Good bye to forum life and fair weathered friends... I'm finished putting myself in a position of being ignored.

Pause For A Moment

Sometimes I just need to take a break from people. When I start feeling like what I say or share, is being ignored or not considered good enough to listen to, that's my signal to break things off for a bit, before I start believing that it is I who is not good enough.

Taking care of our emotional health, is just as important as watching what we eat. I would even go further and say that if we don't take care of our emotional health, it won't matter how healthy we eat. Attitude accounts for soooooo much!!!

I also have found, that sometimes, taking those much needed breaks from people, helps me to see things much more clearly. Sometimes I come up with ways that I can handle things better. Sometimes I realize that I just need to stop banging my head against the proverbial brick wall and cut my losses. As always, if you have to cut ties with someone, it's always a good idea (again, for your own emotional well being) to never do it in anger or frustration. Every relationship was there for a reason. Not all relationships will last forever, but certainly the good that has come out of knowing someone, does. Realize that everything happens for a reason and it is always with our best interest in mind.

So instead of feeling defeated and unworthy or unwanted... I'm going to take a much needed break. I don't need to keep pushing myself on others, if indeed, perhaps they've seen that I no longer fit in their lives (yes, it works both ways). I also don't need to go around feeling like I'm stupid or have nothing worth contributing to others or be viewed as not having anything worth listening to. It's not about someone following any suggestions or ideas that I've made, it's the lack of respect that I feel, for what I may share, that has hurt me.

What I know for sure is... I am a good person and I don't need to rely on anyone else to confirm that. Either they see it, or they don't. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean that I'm not worthy enough as a wife, a mother, a daughter or a friend... it just means, that I may be with the wrong person(s). No one should struggle to fit in.

I like myself, just the way I am. I am who I am and I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life. That needs to be good enough and relationships are just the icing, on all of that.

Getting Healthy

There's been some very interesting conversations on a forum that I'm on, about eating healthier. This has always been a concern of mine, since many of my cooking habits, are just that, habits. I grew up as a meat and potato person, throw in a vegetable every once in a while and call it good enough. I'm not a big fan of cooking, so it was good enough. Or so I thought. For the past year or so, I've really struggled with my energy level. I mean, it has been soooo bad, that a lot of days I would have next to none energy and good days were more like a few hours at best, with energy. Multi vitamins for women over 50, helped out somewhat, but not enough. I haven't been truly enjoying my life, because I knew that what ever I chose to do, I had very little time in which to do things, before I'd crash. In crashing, I mean, I would literally get shaky and my mind would be so fried, I could barely think. So this recent discussion, has given me a direction.

Over the years, I've developed both some good habits (cutting back quite a bit on sugars and drinking more water than I used to) and some bad habits (beyond the not enough fruits and veggies, I was using way too much salt). I've never been a soda drinker, which from what I understand, is an issue many Americans tend to have). I do love to drink milk, so milk and water with 2 cups of coffee, tends to be what I drink during the day. I very very rarily, have things like chips in the house (really helps to not have little ones around for this one). So there were some good things that I was doing, but it was not enough.

So anyways, one of the first things I've done for my health, is start taking a product called LivaTone. It is in capsule form and you take one capsule, twice a day for the first week (I'm just finishing up the first week today) and then 2 capsules, twice a day from here on out. It's not a liver cleanse, but more of a liver tonic. Since our livers store so much toxic junk, I feel that this is a good place to start. Already I have noticed that my weight, which has fluctuated so wildly just during the day, is staying in one place. :-) And while my belly is not hugely going down, I have noticed that I no longer feel bloated and my belly does seem to be getting rid of some of the belly fat it's been storing. Like I said, this is just week one, so I'm happy that I'm seeing some result. Later on, down the line, I will do a full liver cleanse. But first I want to work on eating better, so I'm not just cleansing my liver, to only pour the same toxins back in.

Now while I have never had a problem with drinking water (I do buy filtrated bottled water), I did go ahead and buy this Fruit Infuser http://www.amazon.com/Prodyne-Infusion-93-Ounce-Natural-Pitcher. You fill the pitcher with pure water and fill the cylinder with what ever fruit that you like. And it naturally infuses the water to give it a nice fruity taste. So far we've tried strawberries, which were good, but took a few days to infuse with a stronger taste. Watermelon, probably would have tasted better had it been more fresh at the time. But by far, my favorite is using Raspberries... OMG... it's delicious and refreshing. I got this and many more wonderful ideas from http://www.theyummylife.com./

As for putting healthier foods into my diet... I've found another wonderful website, full of great and yummy looking healthy recipes http://www.closetcooking.com/ I haven't tried them yet... but I definitely will be as soon as I write up a grocery list.

These were things that I've found on my own. But the forum that I'm a part of, had a discussion about eating organic foods and why. I found it a fascinating discussion. Really, they didn't share anything I didn't necessarily know about, but instead they put it in such a way, that I understood the values much better, if that makes any sense. It did to me ;-)  We are fortunate, that we do have a food co-op here and it only cost $15 to get a huge laundry basket full of all sorts of fruits and veggies. Plus, they sell organic bread and tortillas (I love things made with tortillas). I did this a few times, but could never come up with enough recipes to ensure that I'd use up all of the fruits and veggies before they went bad. The bananas, were HUGE and absolutely better tasting than store bought. So I am looking forward to placing my order next Monday and getting started with eating much healthier.

Finding and affording organic dairy products and meats, will be a bit tougher. Right now, I do have a freezer full of meats, that I intend on using up first anyways. David has already said that he has lost much of his desire for meats, so in reality, I'd be buying more for myself. He wants to focus more on fish... which I do not eat at all. I told him that as long as he makes it himself, that's fine by me... I get way too nauseous with the smell of fish.

I'm glad to have David on board with changing up the foods that we're eating. He absolutely loves the fruity water I've been making and he is also taking the LivaTone. We are not going to totally jump in with both feet and ditch one eating life style for another, but what I've found in my life is that slow changes, tend to make me feel more at ease and encourages me to want to do more. I'm looking forward to sharing our experiences as we make dietary changes. More than that... I am looking forward to having more energy, so that I can truly enjoy my life. I have NO intention on growing older and wiling my time away on some rocking chair on the porch, unless it's to enjoy the ending of a good day. :-)

"Go To" Quilts

These are my "go to" quilts. I just love the simplicity of these quilts, as well as how quickly they go together.
This one is my Dragonfly Quilt. I keep finding myself drawn to the turquoise colors

This photo shows the detailing. I finally found someone who could do the dragonfly pattern that I so wanted for this quilt.

This is called the Jelly Roll Quilt and I just learned how to make this a few days ago. Believe it or not, I was able to complete this quilt in 3 hours, although some over achiever in class, did it in one hour LOL



I will be definitely be making more quilts, using these two patterns.

Tote Bags for Cancer Patients Begins...

This tote bag pictured here, while it was not the first
bag that I made for a friend of mine that has cancer, it
certainly was the start of me wanting to make these to give away to other cancer patients. I just love the whimsical and cheery pattern.

 The inside pockets are big enough to hold a couple of water bottles on one side and a Nook or Kindle on the other side.

 This purple print bag is the first of hopefully many, many bags, that will be given away.

What a blessing.... this my dear friends, is the response from some very lovely ladies, when I asked for fabric donations to make these tote bags. And there's still MORE to come!!!

Fantasy vs Reality

I hadn't realized this until now, but apparently I have been living in some dream world, as a way of coping with reality. Okay, before you think I'm totally off of my rocker, let me explain.

My husband took off a 4 day weekend. I thought this would be quite nice... 4 days to ourselves. :-) But the first 2 days, he spent more time on the computer or watching tv or playing video games. :-( I felt hurt and disappointed, but thankfully I have my quilting to keep me occupied. Anyways, I have no idea what prompted him to ask me, as I'm drinking my first cup of coffee no less, what I wanted to do today? Huh? Well, as I said, I was still on my first cup of coffee, trying to wake up. So I really had no idea. Secondly, I was a bit put out, that he waits two days, before he decides that we should do something together. He on the other hand, couldn't figure out why I was so put out. Sigh...In the course of our conversation, he had the realization that it was unfair of him, to "zone out" so much when he is home and then expect me to be all excited about him wanting to do something with me, every once in a great while. But I too, had a revelation.

Here he was, finally... asking to do something with me, and I had NO answer!! It got me to thinking of all of the times that I thought about day trips, or maybe going out to lunch, going on vacations, etc, but because this never happened, no matter how many times I told him what I'd like, these things were just dreams of mine. Just like the bridal shows that are on tv. Yes... I do watch them. I get to live out, something that I never experienced. That time of shopping for a bridal gown and planning a wedding. We won't go into that, but suffice to say, my wedding was not one of my dreams, nor was the dress that I wore. It's a dream world that I live in, one in which I get to live out, what is not true or has not been true in my life... as if I had. :-/  Today's discussion with my husband, got me to realize that I've shut down so many of my emotions and dream of what cannot be, as a way of surviving I guess. Sad, but true.

He asked me if my quilting and the tote bag project, was something I really wanted to do or was that too, a part of surviving an unhappy life. Actually, it is in part, both. I do enjoy my quilting. And I do want to make these tote bags. But I'll be honest, the tote bag idea, I never once considered that for real (again, only in my dreams and wishes) that most of the people that I've mentioned this to, would have responded in such a generous way. All of a sudden, this was a reality and people were taking me seriously!!! And now I too, have to take me seriously. Weird, huh? I've been so used to my little dream world where what I say, do and want, mean something to me and others and I'm not sure what to do, now that some of it at least, is a reality. It's just an odd concept to be taken seriously or like I truly exist.

Change is in the Air

How do I explain what it is that I feel? What is swirling around in my mind? For a while now, I've been feeling like I am on the edge of some kind of break through. Some who have known me for a while, might even feel that I've become more distant and perhaps I have been, as I sort out all that is going thru my mind.

For most of my life, I've been looking for "the place" where I fit in, where I belong. What I know for sure is, sometimes where we belong, is seasonal. Sometimes it's a forever place. Often times, it seems to be ever changing, the more we grow, the more we may find that we want different things from our lives. And sometimes it cements what we believe in and stand for. For myself, I feel like all of the walls and obstacles that have been in my way for most of my life, are falling away, leaving me with a clearer vision of what I want for my life.

I recently met a new friend, who has cancer. She's been battling it, in one form or another, for 5 yrs. I got a chance to meet her in person yesterday. We sat down and chatted for hours and I got to hear, how it feels for her, to live with it and try to fight it. I heard of the devastating toll it has taken on her and her partner. I heard of the life she once had and how cancer has stolen that from her. For reasons that I cannot explain, her story has touched me. Her partner of 23 yrs has been telling me bits and pieces of their story with cancer, while he was working on re doing our bathroom for us. It was because of the things that he shared, that I suddenly felt compelled to make tote bags to give to cancer patients. Anyways, that is a story for another time. Let's just say, that Kim's story, is part of the breakthrough.

Along side of that, are my kids. It's been over 4 yrs ago, since I've last heard from my beloved daughter Jen. I have no idea, where she is at, what she is doing or even if she is alive. That has done it's own damage to me. One that I've had to face and deal with. But recently, my youngest son, has also decided to cut out contact with the entire family and like his sister, no one knows why. Today is Father's Day... and no phone call from him, not to his brother, who recently became a father, nor to his own dad. And again, I find myself hurting and confused at his silence.

These are just two things out of many, that have come together and help me to get clearer about what I want for my own life. Some things, I cannot control anything more, than how I chose to handle it. Other things, have made me re consider, past friendships and who I really feel that I can continue on with, in the future. It's not to indicate that anyone is a bad person, per se... but rather, those that I have outgrown, because we're headed in entirely different directions.

Life is precious. Our time on earth is short. Some shorter than others. It is not a good idea for any one of us, to live our life, solely to please someone else and forsake ourselves. The best gift that we can give to anyone, is in being ourselves. Some will appreciate it, others won't. It pretty much helps you to weed, who should stay and who you need to let go of, because you're not doing either one of you a favor in the long run.

How this will all turn out, is any one's guess. But I know in my heart, that I need to continue to let go of what is holding me back, whether it be something that is too negative to be good for me or if it's something that I realize that our time has run out and it's time for me to move away and continue forward.

Relationships

I've recently had a series of instances that have happened, that got me to question the relationships that I have in general. It seems that I've acquired over the years, numerous relationships that are not healthy for me. What I know for sure is... I no longer want or need, relationships in which I walk away from being with someone and feel stupid or I feel upset. I don't want to feel like I need to be "fixed", when all I'm looking for is a safe place to fall or for support. I no longer want to hang around people, in which I feel the majority of the time spent with them, whether in person or on the phone, is all about them. I really do enjoy a two way conversation. Nor do I want to be in relationships in which I feel shut out, disrespected. I don't care if you agree with me, I just care that I can walk away from time spent with you, and still feel good about myself... and you.

A long time ago, I heard Dr Phil McGraw say, "we teach people how to treat us". And there's a lot of truth in that. I think that things in my past, had me believing that I just wasn't smart enough or good enough and that has led me to hold back in a conversation or to not stand up for myself... thru creating boundaries of what I was willing to accept and not accept. As we've all heard, we only get ONE life and it's up to us... to choose how we're going to live it. Well here I am, at 55 yrs of age and it's past time for me, to find the courage to hold my head up high and not allow the potential loss of a relationship, to dictate what I can and cannot say.

I have to choose to believe, that I AM a good person and deserving of being treated with respect. What I know for sure is... that there's a lot of relationships that I've held onto, because of how they once were, that are not fitting into who I am today. Some of them, I'm not ready to fully let go of. And those would be the ones, that I need to learn, for the time being, to hold at arms length, until I can accept that I have outgrown them. But I know that this recent incident with my own son, has really gotten me thinking of how I want to live the rest of my life, and it isn't in being a doormat, nor is it accepting disrespectful behavior.

Be Yourself

14 Rules for Being YOU
by Mark Hack

Be yourself.  Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  And above all, be true to YOU – if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.
Starting today…

1. Get your priorities straight. – Twenty years from now it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of jeans you bought.  What will matter is how you loved, what you learned and how you applied this knowledge.
2. Take full responsibility for your goals. – If you really want good things in your life to happen, you have to make them happen yourself.  You can’t sit around and hope that somebody else will help you; you have to make your own future and not think that your destiny is tied to the actions and choices of others.  Read Quitter.
3. Know your worth. – When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation.  Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do.  Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you.  It’s not pride – it’s self-respect.  Don’t expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people.  Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.  Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
4. Choose the right perspective. – Perspective is everything.  When faced with long check-out lines, traffic jams, or waiting an hour past your appointment time, you have two choices:  You can get frustrated and enraged, or you can view it as life’s way of giving you a guilt-free breather from rushing, and spend that time daydreaming, conversing, or watching the clouds.  The first choice will raise your blood pressure.  The second choice will raise your consciousness.
5. Don’t let your old problems punish your dreams.  – Learn to let go of things you can’t control.  The next time you’re tempted to rant about a situation that you think ended unfairly, remind yourself of this:  You’ll never kill off your anger by beating the story to death.  So close your mouth, unclench your fists, and redirect your thoughts.  When left untended, the anger will slowly wither, and you’ll be left to live in peace as you grow toward a better future.
6. Choose the things that truly matter. – Some things just don’t matter much – like the kind of car you drive.  How big of a deal is that in the grand scheme of life?  Not a big at all.  But lifting a person’s heart?  Now, that matters.  The whole problem with most people is, they KNOW what matters, but they don’t CHOOSE it.  They get distracted.  They don’t put first things first.  The hardest and smartest way to live is choosing what truly matters, and pursuing it passionately.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
7. Love YOU. – Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are.  Yes, let someone love you despite all of this; and let that someone be YOU.
8. Accept your strengths and weaknesses. – Be confident being YOU.  We often waste too much time comparing ourselves to others, and wishing to be something we’re not.  Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when we accept everything we are, and aren’t, that we are able to become who we are capable of being.
9. Stand up for YOU. – You were born to be real, not to be perfect.  You’re here to be YOU, not to be what someone else wants you to be.  Stand up for yourself, look them in the eye, and say, “Don’t judge me until you know me, don’t underestimate me until you challenge me, and don’t talk about me until you’ve talked to me.”
10. Learn from others, and move on when you must. – You can’t expect to change people.  Either you accept who they are, or you start living your life without them.  And just because something ends, doesn’t mean it never should have been.  You lived, you learned, you grew, and you moved on.  Some people come into your life as blessings; others come into your life as lessons.
11. Be honest in your relationships. – Don’t cheat!  If you’re not happy, be honest, and move on if you must.  When you’re truly in love, being faithful isn’t a sacrifice, it’s a joy.
12. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. – Life as we know it can change in a blink of an eye.  Unlikely friendships can blossom, important careers can be tossed aside and a long lost hope can be rekindled.  It might feel a little uncomfortable at times, but know that life begins at the end of your comfort zone.  So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is not an ending, but a new beginning.  Read The Power of Full Engagement.
13. Be who you were born to be. – Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.  When it comes to living as a passionate, inspired human being, the only challenge greater than learning to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, is learning to walk a lifetime comfortably in your own.  Follow your heart, and take your brain with you.  When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit.
14. Never give up on YOU. – This is your life; shape it, or someone else will.  Strength shows not only in the ability to hold on, but in the ability to start over when you must.  It is never too late to become what you might have been.  Keep learning, adapting, and growing.  You may not be there yet, but you are closer than you were yesterday.

No More Regrets

I thought that I'd share this with you...
There have been many times that I've looked back at my life and have been filled with regret, for the opportunities that I didn't take advantage of or for the choices I wished that I had or hadn't made. At least for myself, as I get older, I am very much aware of how precious time is and the one thing that I don't want, is to add to my list of regrets. I got this from Marc and Angel Hack Life: practical tips for productive living. I think these are some excellent reminders of making choices that stop the regrets.

9 Things No One Wants to Regret When They’re Older

by Angel Hack

The things you didn’t do when you had the chance.  That priceless relationship you neglected.  Those important words you left unspoken…
Every one of us has experienced feelings of regret.  But it’s not too late to set things straight.  We’re still here breathing.  Right now we have an opportunity to change our future.  Right now we can choose to erase regret from our later years.
Here are nine things no one wants to regret when they’re older, and some thoughts on avoiding these regrets:

1.  Not spending enough time smiling with the people you love.

You’ve heard the saying, ‘The best things in life are free.’  Well spending quality time with family and friends, enjoying the antics of a pet, seeing your child smile, experiencing intimate and heart-felt moments with your significant other – these times are precious and free.
Don’t get so caught up in the rat race, working 50+ hours a week, to the point where you are too stressed and exhausted to enjoy your closest relationships.  By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to live on less money, and thus work fewer hours and enjoy more of what matters most.
As we get older, fun is often underrated.  With all of our responsibilities, fun seems like an indulgence.  It shouldn’t be.  It should be a requirement.  When your work life is busy, and all your energy is focused in that arena, it’s all too easy to find yourself off balance.  While drive and focus is important, if you intend to maintain happiness and peace in your life you still need to balance in the soccer games, the family dinners, the intimate dates with your significant other, etc.

2.  Holding a grudge and never forgiving someone you care about.

We’ve all been hurt by another person at some point – we were treated poorly, trust was broken, hearts were hurt.  And while this pain is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long.  We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go.
This creates problems.  It not only causes us to be unhappy, but it can strain or ruin our relationships, distract us from work and family and other important things, and make us reluctant to open up to new things and people.  We get trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt, and miss out on the beauty of life as it happens.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness.  If there’s someone in your life who deserves another chance, give it to them.  If you need to apologize, do it.  Give your story together a happy new beginning.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

3.  Fulfilling everyone else’s dreams, instead of your own.

Unfortunately, just before you take your first step on the righteous journey to pursue your dreams, people around you, even the ones who deeply care for you, will give you awful advice.  It’s not because they have evil intentions.  It’s because they don’t understand the big picture – what your dreams, passions, and life goals mean to you.
Have the courage to live a life true to YOU, not the life others expect of you.   Make time to pursue your passion, no matter how busy you are or what anyone else says.
As our friend Steve Jobs once said:
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary.”

4.  Not being honest about how you feel.

Say what you need to say, and never apologize for showing your feelings.  Many people suppress their feelings in order to keep peace with others.  As a result, they settle for carrying the weight of their own silence.  Give yourself permission to feel a full range of emotions.  When you’re in touch with what you’re feeling, you’re more likely to understand the situation at hand and resolve it instead of avoiding it.
Also, if you want to connect with others, you need to accept and love yourself first, even when your truth feels heavy.  In the end, expressing your feelings will boost your relationships, including your relationship with yourself, to a new healthier level.  And your open honesty will also help you to realize and release unhealthy relationships from your life.

5.  Being foolish and irresponsible with your finances.

When you spend less than you make you buy lifestyle flexibility and freedom.  You are buying the ability to say yes to the things that matter, because you’re saving on the things that don’t.  Money can bring comfort, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying that comfort.  But it’s important to spend money on the things that truly matter to you, and let go of spending that does not add value to your life.
Live a comfortable life, not a wasteful one.  Stop buying stuff you do not need.  Do not spend to impress others.  Do not live life trying to fool yourself into thinking wealth is measured in material objects.  Manage your money wisely so your money does not manage you.  (Read Rich Dad Poor Dad.)

6.  Getting caught up in needless drama and negativity.

Don’t expect to achieve long-term happiness if you surround yourself with negative people.  Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.  Know your value and what you have to offer, stay positive, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it.  Staying out of other people’s drama is an incredibly effective way to simplify your life and reduce stress.  Surround yourself with positive people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad, so you can focus on the good.  Life really is too short to be anything but positive and happy.

7.  Never making your own happiness a priority.

For the average person happiness is a choice, yet numerous people are unhappy.  There are many reasons, but it all boils down to one simple principle:  They choose something else over happiness.  Because it often takes less effort to be unhappy.
To find true happiness in life you have to follow your heart and intuition.  You have to be who you are, and design a lifestyle and career that fulfills you – no matter what that entails or what people say about it.  And it is never too late to do so.
So be happy; be yourself.  If others don’t like it, then let them be.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.  Begin today by taking responsibility for your own happiness.  You are the only one who can create it.  The choice is yours.

8.  Never making a difference in the lives of others.

Every person can make a difference, and every person should try.
In life, you get what you put in.  When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life.  Do something that’s greater than you – something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.
Remember, making a positive difference in one person’s life can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

9.  Failing because you were scared to fail.

If your fear of failure, or of not being perfect, has driven you to take the safe road of doing nothing, you have already failed.  Accept the fact that everyone fails, but don’t accept the act of not trying as your form of failure.
If you find yourself at a point of intense decision making where you’re caught in a spiral of over-analysis and hesitation, and you’re making no progress, take a deep breath, break the spiral, make an educated guess on the next logical step, and take it.  Even if you get it wrong, you will learn something that will help you get it right next time.
Your failures along the road to your goals are simply opportunities to learn and grow.  You might not be there yet, but if you keep moving forward, you’ll get there eventually.

Feeling Old

It's not turning 55 that bothers me, it's the "feeling" old that bothers me. Last week, I got my first pair of bi-focals and suddenly I could see... apparently too well it seems. I could see the wrinkles lining my face, I could see the tiredness in my eyes. Of course there are other "symptoms" of aging, aren't there? There is that wonderful forgetful memory that we all joke about. We've heard those stories when we were younger and suddenly we realize, hey, they're real!!! As women, going thru menopause, there's always the lovely weight gain. (I'm rolling my eyes here). For me, that's been one of the hardest things to deal with. I am only 5'3 and have always struggled to put on weight. Imagine your surprise when so subtly the weight sneaks in and settles around your tummy, your thighs or your bum. One day you put on your favorite pair of jeans and see the fat rolls!!! Oh the horror of it all. You then go clothes shopping and the more you try on, the more you realize that you are soooooo out of shape, it's not acceptable.

Well, welcome to my world. So this is sorta my journal, to share those horrid moments of reality and yet, not so I can stay there, but rather so I can be motivated to change what I can and accept what I can't and still.... Be Happy with me. I plan to share that journey with you... so grab a cuppa tea or coffee and sit down (or go for a walk with me) as I explore the art of aging and hopefully more gracefully than apparently I have been, up until now.