Perhaps I shouldn't even be writing when I am feeling this angry... but I have found that it can be cathartic for me to vent and get the negative toxins out of me, so that I can be more at peace, with me... with my life. And often times, in venting, I find direction for myself. So here goes...
I am beyond fed up with "friends", relationships and people in general!!! My husband has told me numerous of times, that I am not out in the "world" enough, to learn how to harden myself against the disrespect. And he's right, I haven't been. I get to pop out long enough to have some contact, do what I need to do and go back to the safety of my home. On top of that, I am a very sensitive person, so I tend to feel and see more. And I take things personally. But honestly (from my perspective) people can be soooo insensitive and create a world that is all about them, that they can't see how much they've brought pain to someone else.
Time after time, I find myself being on the outside of groups. No matter how I try to fit in... I find myself being ostracized. I'm not part of some "in" group, so I can watch conversations go around me and pass up anything that I may have to share. Someone else can say what I've just finished saying, and they are the ones who get responded to. I can't even begin to tell you how often I've thought to myself "Can you hear me now???" I mean, seriously, it's as if I hadn't spoken!!
I have two forums that I am a member of. People that I have known for a while now and yet... I'm still on the outside looking in. It doesn't matter what I post, for the most part, I get ignored. And the times that I don't get ignored, I get a passing response, while someone else, gets more of their attention. It hurts me deeply, that I think of these people as my friends and to be treated that way. Just in the past two weeks, most of what I've shared, got totally blown over and ignored!! And yet, when they are sharing something exciting in their lives, a cute photo or sharing a struggle they've gone thru, I'm there for them. But where are they, when I want to share an idea, a cute photo or a struggle that I'm going thru??? I can count more times that I've gotten ignored, than responded to and that's NOT a good thing!!! Don't they know or even care, that I am just as proud of my accomplishments and knowledge, as they are of theirs??? Do they know or care that I am just as proud of my new baby granddaughter, as they are of their own grandkids??? Or my horses and dog??? Geesh!!
Let me put this another way...don't you just love it when you share a photo of your grands, when you get positive responses of how beautiful they are? Well, I do too. How about when you share a pic or tel a story about your animals? You know they are the greatest and the smartest of of course, the most beautiful, right? Well, that's how I feel too. If you're having a bad day or a struggle, doesn't it help, just to know that some one else gets it? Maybe they offer an idea, but mostly they just love you and support you and tell you that you're still a great person? I like that too. But it seems to me, that so many people, just want to talk about themselves and maybe someone that they feel close to, but then they ignore the rest. :-( How sad.
Forum life is easy enough to move away from. You just stop wasting your time, posting. And that's what I am going to have to do, to save my sanity. But what do you do, when it's your family that does this as well? You begin to feel paranoid that there is something so wrong with you, that no one thinks you have any value. But I know that I do and I know that there are plenty of people who are missing out on what I bring to the table. Apparently they can live without that. So be it. It wouldn't be so bad, if I felt that I was important to my own husband tho. I'm weary of having conversations with him, on how it hurts to be ignored, only to have him apologize and do it again (eyes rolling). I feel like I'm a freak or something. Or maybe I don't really exist, except for in my own mind... who knows!!! My husband tells me that it's not me, but people (he does include himself in this). He tells me that people get stuck in their own little world and don't pay attention to the quieter ones.
Okay, so I know that I'm quiet. That's who I am. I don't force myself or my opinions, etc on others. I quietly wait for a spot, so I can speak. I'm not comfortable with being like a bull in a china shop and forcing myself on others. So what. Maybe... just maybe, people would realize that I can speak, if given the opportunity to be heard. I have lots to say and share... but I'm not going to fight to get a word in edge wise. Right now, I feel so battered. I don't want to fight to find a place amongst those I care about. I just want the ability to be me. I would love to have a BFF... but those spots have been taken up by others. So I remain on the outside of most conversations. It doesn't matter how intelligent I am, how I bring a different way of doing and looking at things, into a relationship. Nope... if you're considered popular, then those are the ones who people look up to for any ideas. People like me, get passed over.
You know what I want??? I want conversation. I want to be able to listen and respond and have someone listen and respond to me... whether it be about something serious or mundane... I want a two way conversation, where I know for sure, that I'm being heard. I don't care if people disagree with me, as long as I'm being treated with respect. Silence or throwing a few words at me, over your shoulder, as you walk away, is NOT respect!!! That's dismissive and that's rude and hurtful.
So with that being said... I'm done. Stick a fork in me... I'm done!!! No one seems to want to hear what I have to say... so I won't be wasting my time, talking. No one seems to feel that they can learn something new from me or be happy and share in that happiness, of the things I'm most proud of... so I won't waste their time or mine, on sharing. I'll keep it to myself. It's a pity really. There are a lot of quiet, sensitive people, who have much to share, if only they were given an opportunity. But instead, we live in a society where boisterous people, get all of the attention. Well, they don't have a monopoly on a good life, happy things or knowledge. So there's a lot us sensitive types can offer, but no one is hearing us.
Good bye to forum life and fair weathered friends... I'm finished putting myself in a position of being ignored.
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