I hadn't realized this until now, but apparently I have been living in some dream world, as a way of coping with reality. Okay, before you think I'm totally off of my rocker, let me explain.
My husband took off a 4 day weekend. I thought this would be quite nice... 4 days to ourselves. :-) But the first 2 days, he spent more time on the computer or watching tv or playing video games. :-( I felt hurt and disappointed, but thankfully I have my quilting to keep me occupied. Anyways, I have no idea what prompted him to ask me, as I'm drinking my first cup of coffee no less, what I wanted to do today? Huh? Well, as I said, I was still on my first cup of coffee, trying to wake up. So I really had no idea. Secondly, I was a bit put out, that he waits two days, before he decides that we should do something together. He on the other hand, couldn't figure out why I was so put out. Sigh...In the course of our conversation, he had the realization that it was unfair of him, to "zone out" so much when he is home and then expect me to be all excited about him wanting to do something with me, every once in a great while. But I too, had a revelation.
Here he was, finally... asking to do something with me, and I had NO answer!! It got me to thinking of all of the times that I thought about day trips, or maybe going out to lunch, going on vacations, etc, but because this never happened, no matter how many times I told him what I'd like, these things were just dreams of mine. Just like the bridal shows that are on tv. Yes... I do watch them. I get to live out, something that I never experienced. That time of shopping for a bridal gown and planning a wedding. We won't go into that, but suffice to say, my wedding was not one of my dreams, nor was the dress that I wore. It's a dream world that I live in, one in which I get to live out, what is not true or has not been true in my life... as if I had. :-/ Today's discussion with my husband, got me to realize that I've shut down so many of my emotions and dream of what cannot be, as a way of surviving I guess. Sad, but true.
He asked me if my quilting and the tote bag project, was something I really wanted to do or was that too, a part of surviving an unhappy life. Actually, it is in part, both. I do enjoy my quilting. And I do want to make these tote bags. But I'll be honest, the tote bag idea, I never once considered that for real (again, only in my dreams and wishes) that most of the people that I've mentioned this to, would have responded in such a generous way. All of a sudden, this was a reality and people were taking me seriously!!! And now I too, have to take me seriously. Weird, huh? I've been so used to my little dream world where what I say, do and want, mean something to me and others and I'm not sure what to do, now that some of it at least, is a reality. It's just an odd concept to be taken seriously or like I truly exist.
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