How do I explain what it is that I feel? What is swirling around in my mind? For a while now, I've been feeling like I am on the edge of some kind of break through. Some who have known me for a while, might even feel that I've become more distant and perhaps I have been, as I sort out all that is going thru my mind.
For most of my life, I've been looking for "the place" where I fit in, where I belong. What I know for sure is, sometimes where we belong, is seasonal. Sometimes it's a forever place. Often times, it seems to be ever changing, the more we grow, the more we may find that we want different things from our lives. And sometimes it cements what we believe in and stand for. For myself, I feel like all of the walls and obstacles that have been in my way for most of my life, are falling away, leaving me with a clearer vision of what I want for my life.
I recently met a new friend, who has cancer. She's been battling it, in one form or another, for 5 yrs. I got a chance to meet her in person yesterday. We sat down and chatted for hours and I got to hear, how it feels for her, to live with it and try to fight it. I heard of the devastating toll it has taken on her and her partner. I heard of the life she once had and how cancer has stolen that from her. For reasons that I cannot explain, her story has touched me. Her partner of 23 yrs has been telling me bits and pieces of their story with cancer, while he was working on re doing our bathroom for us. It was because of the things that he shared, that I suddenly felt compelled to make tote bags to give to cancer patients. Anyways, that is a story for another time. Let's just say, that Kim's story, is part of the breakthrough.
Along side of that, are my kids. It's been over 4 yrs ago, since I've last heard from my beloved daughter Jen. I have no idea, where she is at, what she is doing or even if she is alive. That has done it's own damage to me. One that I've had to face and deal with. But recently, my youngest son, has also decided to cut out contact with the entire family and like his sister, no one knows why. Today is Father's Day... and no phone call from him, not to his brother, who recently became a father, nor to his own dad. And again, I find myself hurting and confused at his silence.
These are just two things out of many, that have come together and help me to get clearer about what I want for my own life. Some things, I cannot control anything more, than how I chose to handle it. Other things, have made me re consider, past friendships and who I really feel that I can continue on with, in the future. It's not to indicate that anyone is a bad person, per se... but rather, those that I have outgrown, because we're headed in entirely different directions.
Life is precious. Our time on earth is short. Some shorter than others. It is not a good idea for any one of us, to live our life, solely to please someone else and forsake ourselves. The best gift that we can give to anyone, is in being ourselves. Some will appreciate it, others won't. It pretty much helps you to weed, who should stay and who you need to let go of, because you're not doing either one of you a favor in the long run.
How this will all turn out, is any one's guess. But I know in my heart, that I need to continue to let go of what is holding me back, whether it be something that is too negative to be good for me or if it's something that I realize that our time has run out and it's time for me to move away and continue forward.
:-)
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Martha