Relationships

I've recently had a series of instances that have happened, that got me to question the relationships that I have in general. It seems that I've acquired over the years, numerous relationships that are not healthy for me. What I know for sure is... I no longer want or need, relationships in which I walk away from being with someone and feel stupid or I feel upset. I don't want to feel like I need to be "fixed", when all I'm looking for is a safe place to fall or for support. I no longer want to hang around people, in which I feel the majority of the time spent with them, whether in person or on the phone, is all about them. I really do enjoy a two way conversation. Nor do I want to be in relationships in which I feel shut out, disrespected. I don't care if you agree with me, I just care that I can walk away from time spent with you, and still feel good about myself... and you.

A long time ago, I heard Dr Phil McGraw say, "we teach people how to treat us". And there's a lot of truth in that. I think that things in my past, had me believing that I just wasn't smart enough or good enough and that has led me to hold back in a conversation or to not stand up for myself... thru creating boundaries of what I was willing to accept and not accept. As we've all heard, we only get ONE life and it's up to us... to choose how we're going to live it. Well here I am, at 55 yrs of age and it's past time for me, to find the courage to hold my head up high and not allow the potential loss of a relationship, to dictate what I can and cannot say.

I have to choose to believe, that I AM a good person and deserving of being treated with respect. What I know for sure is... that there's a lot of relationships that I've held onto, because of how they once were, that are not fitting into who I am today. Some of them, I'm not ready to fully let go of. And those would be the ones, that I need to learn, for the time being, to hold at arms length, until I can accept that I have outgrown them. But I know that this recent incident with my own son, has really gotten me thinking of how I want to live the rest of my life, and it isn't in being a doormat, nor is it accepting disrespectful behavior.

Be Yourself

14 Rules for Being YOU
by Mark Hack

Be yourself.  Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  And above all, be true to YOU – if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.
Starting today…

1. Get your priorities straight. – Twenty years from now it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of jeans you bought.  What will matter is how you loved, what you learned and how you applied this knowledge.
2. Take full responsibility for your goals. – If you really want good things in your life to happen, you have to make them happen yourself.  You can’t sit around and hope that somebody else will help you; you have to make your own future and not think that your destiny is tied to the actions and choices of others.  Read Quitter.
3. Know your worth. – When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation.  Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do.  Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you.  It’s not pride – it’s self-respect.  Don’t expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people.  Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.  Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
4. Choose the right perspective. – Perspective is everything.  When faced with long check-out lines, traffic jams, or waiting an hour past your appointment time, you have two choices:  You can get frustrated and enraged, or you can view it as life’s way of giving you a guilt-free breather from rushing, and spend that time daydreaming, conversing, or watching the clouds.  The first choice will raise your blood pressure.  The second choice will raise your consciousness.
5. Don’t let your old problems punish your dreams.  – Learn to let go of things you can’t control.  The next time you’re tempted to rant about a situation that you think ended unfairly, remind yourself of this:  You’ll never kill off your anger by beating the story to death.  So close your mouth, unclench your fists, and redirect your thoughts.  When left untended, the anger will slowly wither, and you’ll be left to live in peace as you grow toward a better future.
6. Choose the things that truly matter. – Some things just don’t matter much – like the kind of car you drive.  How big of a deal is that in the grand scheme of life?  Not a big at all.  But lifting a person’s heart?  Now, that matters.  The whole problem with most people is, they KNOW what matters, but they don’t CHOOSE it.  They get distracted.  They don’t put first things first.  The hardest and smartest way to live is choosing what truly matters, and pursuing it passionately.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
7. Love YOU. – Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are.  Yes, let someone love you despite all of this; and let that someone be YOU.
8. Accept your strengths and weaknesses. – Be confident being YOU.  We often waste too much time comparing ourselves to others, and wishing to be something we’re not.  Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when we accept everything we are, and aren’t, that we are able to become who we are capable of being.
9. Stand up for YOU. – You were born to be real, not to be perfect.  You’re here to be YOU, not to be what someone else wants you to be.  Stand up for yourself, look them in the eye, and say, “Don’t judge me until you know me, don’t underestimate me until you challenge me, and don’t talk about me until you’ve talked to me.”
10. Learn from others, and move on when you must. – You can’t expect to change people.  Either you accept who they are, or you start living your life without them.  And just because something ends, doesn’t mean it never should have been.  You lived, you learned, you grew, and you moved on.  Some people come into your life as blessings; others come into your life as lessons.
11. Be honest in your relationships. – Don’t cheat!  If you’re not happy, be honest, and move on if you must.  When you’re truly in love, being faithful isn’t a sacrifice, it’s a joy.
12. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. – Life as we know it can change in a blink of an eye.  Unlikely friendships can blossom, important careers can be tossed aside and a long lost hope can be rekindled.  It might feel a little uncomfortable at times, but know that life begins at the end of your comfort zone.  So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is not an ending, but a new beginning.  Read The Power of Full Engagement.
13. Be who you were born to be. – Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.  When it comes to living as a passionate, inspired human being, the only challenge greater than learning to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, is learning to walk a lifetime comfortably in your own.  Follow your heart, and take your brain with you.  When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit.
14. Never give up on YOU. – This is your life; shape it, or someone else will.  Strength shows not only in the ability to hold on, but in the ability to start over when you must.  It is never too late to become what you might have been.  Keep learning, adapting, and growing.  You may not be there yet, but you are closer than you were yesterday.

No More Regrets

I thought that I'd share this with you...
There have been many times that I've looked back at my life and have been filled with regret, for the opportunities that I didn't take advantage of or for the choices I wished that I had or hadn't made. At least for myself, as I get older, I am very much aware of how precious time is and the one thing that I don't want, is to add to my list of regrets. I got this from Marc and Angel Hack Life: practical tips for productive living. I think these are some excellent reminders of making choices that stop the regrets.

9 Things No One Wants to Regret When They’re Older

by Angel Hack

The things you didn’t do when you had the chance.  That priceless relationship you neglected.  Those important words you left unspoken…
Every one of us has experienced feelings of regret.  But it’s not too late to set things straight.  We’re still here breathing.  Right now we have an opportunity to change our future.  Right now we can choose to erase regret from our later years.
Here are nine things no one wants to regret when they’re older, and some thoughts on avoiding these regrets:

1.  Not spending enough time smiling with the people you love.

You’ve heard the saying, ‘The best things in life are free.’  Well spending quality time with family and friends, enjoying the antics of a pet, seeing your child smile, experiencing intimate and heart-felt moments with your significant other – these times are precious and free.
Don’t get so caught up in the rat race, working 50+ hours a week, to the point where you are too stressed and exhausted to enjoy your closest relationships.  By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to live on less money, and thus work fewer hours and enjoy more of what matters most.
As we get older, fun is often underrated.  With all of our responsibilities, fun seems like an indulgence.  It shouldn’t be.  It should be a requirement.  When your work life is busy, and all your energy is focused in that arena, it’s all too easy to find yourself off balance.  While drive and focus is important, if you intend to maintain happiness and peace in your life you still need to balance in the soccer games, the family dinners, the intimate dates with your significant other, etc.

2.  Holding a grudge and never forgiving someone you care about.

We’ve all been hurt by another person at some point – we were treated poorly, trust was broken, hearts were hurt.  And while this pain is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long.  We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go.
This creates problems.  It not only causes us to be unhappy, but it can strain or ruin our relationships, distract us from work and family and other important things, and make us reluctant to open up to new things and people.  We get trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt, and miss out on the beauty of life as it happens.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness.  If there’s someone in your life who deserves another chance, give it to them.  If you need to apologize, do it.  Give your story together a happy new beginning.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

3.  Fulfilling everyone else’s dreams, instead of your own.

Unfortunately, just before you take your first step on the righteous journey to pursue your dreams, people around you, even the ones who deeply care for you, will give you awful advice.  It’s not because they have evil intentions.  It’s because they don’t understand the big picture – what your dreams, passions, and life goals mean to you.
Have the courage to live a life true to YOU, not the life others expect of you.   Make time to pursue your passion, no matter how busy you are or what anyone else says.
As our friend Steve Jobs once said:
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary.”

4.  Not being honest about how you feel.

Say what you need to say, and never apologize for showing your feelings.  Many people suppress their feelings in order to keep peace with others.  As a result, they settle for carrying the weight of their own silence.  Give yourself permission to feel a full range of emotions.  When you’re in touch with what you’re feeling, you’re more likely to understand the situation at hand and resolve it instead of avoiding it.
Also, if you want to connect with others, you need to accept and love yourself first, even when your truth feels heavy.  In the end, expressing your feelings will boost your relationships, including your relationship with yourself, to a new healthier level.  And your open honesty will also help you to realize and release unhealthy relationships from your life.

5.  Being foolish and irresponsible with your finances.

When you spend less than you make you buy lifestyle flexibility and freedom.  You are buying the ability to say yes to the things that matter, because you’re saving on the things that don’t.  Money can bring comfort, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying that comfort.  But it’s important to spend money on the things that truly matter to you, and let go of spending that does not add value to your life.
Live a comfortable life, not a wasteful one.  Stop buying stuff you do not need.  Do not spend to impress others.  Do not live life trying to fool yourself into thinking wealth is measured in material objects.  Manage your money wisely so your money does not manage you.  (Read Rich Dad Poor Dad.)

6.  Getting caught up in needless drama and negativity.

Don’t expect to achieve long-term happiness if you surround yourself with negative people.  Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.  Know your value and what you have to offer, stay positive, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it.  Staying out of other people’s drama is an incredibly effective way to simplify your life and reduce stress.  Surround yourself with positive people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad, so you can focus on the good.  Life really is too short to be anything but positive and happy.

7.  Never making your own happiness a priority.

For the average person happiness is a choice, yet numerous people are unhappy.  There are many reasons, but it all boils down to one simple principle:  They choose something else over happiness.  Because it often takes less effort to be unhappy.
To find true happiness in life you have to follow your heart and intuition.  You have to be who you are, and design a lifestyle and career that fulfills you – no matter what that entails or what people say about it.  And it is never too late to do so.
So be happy; be yourself.  If others don’t like it, then let them be.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.  Begin today by taking responsibility for your own happiness.  You are the only one who can create it.  The choice is yours.

8.  Never making a difference in the lives of others.

Every person can make a difference, and every person should try.
In life, you get what you put in.  When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life.  Do something that’s greater than you – something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.
Remember, making a positive difference in one person’s life can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

9.  Failing because you were scared to fail.

If your fear of failure, or of not being perfect, has driven you to take the safe road of doing nothing, you have already failed.  Accept the fact that everyone fails, but don’t accept the act of not trying as your form of failure.
If you find yourself at a point of intense decision making where you’re caught in a spiral of over-analysis and hesitation, and you’re making no progress, take a deep breath, break the spiral, make an educated guess on the next logical step, and take it.  Even if you get it wrong, you will learn something that will help you get it right next time.
Your failures along the road to your goals are simply opportunities to learn and grow.  You might not be there yet, but if you keep moving forward, you’ll get there eventually.