Perhaps I shouldn't even be writing when I am feeling this angry... but I have found that it can be cathartic for me to vent and get the negative toxins out of me, so that I can be more at peace, with me... with my life. And often times, in venting, I find direction for myself. So here goes...
I am beyond fed up with "friends", relationships and people in general!!! My husband has told me numerous of times, that I am not out in the "world" enough, to learn how to harden myself against the disrespect. And he's right, I haven't been. I get to pop out long enough to have some contact, do what I need to do and go back to the safety of my home. On top of that, I am a very sensitive person, so I tend to feel and see more. And I take things personally. But honestly (from my perspective) people can be soooo insensitive and create a world that is all about them, that they can't see how much they've brought pain to someone else.
Time after time, I find myself being on the outside of groups. No matter how I try to fit in... I find myself being ostracized. I'm not part of some "in" group, so I can watch conversations go around me and pass up anything that I may have to share. Someone else can say what I've just finished saying, and they are the ones who get responded to. I can't even begin to tell you how often I've thought to myself "Can you hear me now???" I mean, seriously, it's as if I hadn't spoken!!
I have two forums that I am a member of. People that I have known for a while now and yet... I'm still on the outside looking in. It doesn't matter what I post, for the most part, I get ignored. And the times that I don't get ignored, I get a passing response, while someone else, gets more of their attention. It hurts me deeply, that I think of these people as my friends and to be treated that way. Just in the past two weeks, most of what I've shared, got totally blown over and ignored!! And yet, when they are sharing something exciting in their lives, a cute photo or sharing a struggle they've gone thru, I'm there for them. But where are they, when I want to share an idea, a cute photo or a struggle that I'm going thru??? I can count more times that I've gotten ignored, than responded to and that's NOT a good thing!!! Don't they know or even care, that I am just as proud of my accomplishments and knowledge, as they are of theirs??? Do they know or care that I am just as proud of my new baby granddaughter, as they are of their own grandkids??? Or my horses and dog??? Geesh!!
Let me put this another way...don't you just love it when you share a photo of your grands, when you get positive responses of how beautiful they are? Well, I do too. How about when you share a pic or tel a story about your animals? You know they are the greatest and the smartest of of course, the most beautiful, right? Well, that's how I feel too. If you're having a bad day or a struggle, doesn't it help, just to know that some one else gets it? Maybe they offer an idea, but mostly they just love you and support you and tell you that you're still a great person? I like that too. But it seems to me, that so many people, just want to talk about themselves and maybe someone that they feel close to, but then they ignore the rest. :-( How sad.
Forum life is easy enough to move away from. You just stop wasting your time, posting. And that's what I am going to have to do, to save my sanity. But what do you do, when it's your family that does this as well? You begin to feel paranoid that there is something so wrong with you, that no one thinks you have any value. But I know that I do and I know that there are plenty of people who are missing out on what I bring to the table. Apparently they can live without that. So be it. It wouldn't be so bad, if I felt that I was important to my own husband tho. I'm weary of having conversations with him, on how it hurts to be ignored, only to have him apologize and do it again (eyes rolling). I feel like I'm a freak or something. Or maybe I don't really exist, except for in my own mind... who knows!!! My husband tells me that it's not me, but people (he does include himself in this). He tells me that people get stuck in their own little world and don't pay attention to the quieter ones.
Okay, so I know that I'm quiet. That's who I am. I don't force myself or my opinions, etc on others. I quietly wait for a spot, so I can speak. I'm not comfortable with being like a bull in a china shop and forcing myself on others. So what. Maybe... just maybe, people would realize that I can speak, if given the opportunity to be heard. I have lots to say and share... but I'm not going to fight to get a word in edge wise. Right now, I feel so battered. I don't want to fight to find a place amongst those I care about. I just want the ability to be me. I would love to have a BFF... but those spots have been taken up by others. So I remain on the outside of most conversations. It doesn't matter how intelligent I am, how I bring a different way of doing and looking at things, into a relationship. Nope... if you're considered popular, then those are the ones who people look up to for any ideas. People like me, get passed over.
You know what I want??? I want conversation. I want to be able to listen and respond and have someone listen and respond to me... whether it be about something serious or mundane... I want a two way conversation, where I know for sure, that I'm being heard. I don't care if people disagree with me, as long as I'm being treated with respect. Silence or throwing a few words at me, over your shoulder, as you walk away, is NOT respect!!! That's dismissive and that's rude and hurtful.
So with that being said... I'm done. Stick a fork in me... I'm done!!! No one seems to want to hear what I have to say... so I won't be wasting my time, talking. No one seems to feel that they can learn something new from me or be happy and share in that happiness, of the things I'm most proud of... so I won't waste their time or mine, on sharing. I'll keep it to myself. It's a pity really. There are a lot of quiet, sensitive people, who have much to share, if only they were given an opportunity. But instead, we live in a society where boisterous people, get all of the attention. Well, they don't have a monopoly on a good life, happy things or knowledge. So there's a lot us sensitive types can offer, but no one is hearing us.
Good bye to forum life and fair weathered friends... I'm finished putting myself in a position of being ignored.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Pause For A Moment
Sometimes I just need to take a break from people. When I start feeling like what I say or share, is being ignored or not considered good enough to listen to, that's my signal to break things off for a bit, before I start believing that it is I who is not good enough.
Taking care of our emotional health, is just as important as watching what we eat. I would even go further and say that if we don't take care of our emotional health, it won't matter how healthy we eat. Attitude accounts for soooooo much!!!
I also have found, that sometimes, taking those much needed breaks from people, helps me to see things much more clearly. Sometimes I come up with ways that I can handle things better. Sometimes I realize that I just need to stop banging my head against the proverbial brick wall and cut my losses. As always, if you have to cut ties with someone, it's always a good idea (again, for your own emotional well being) to never do it in anger or frustration. Every relationship was there for a reason. Not all relationships will last forever, but certainly the good that has come out of knowing someone, does. Realize that everything happens for a reason and it is always with our best interest in mind.
So instead of feeling defeated and unworthy or unwanted... I'm going to take a much needed break. I don't need to keep pushing myself on others, if indeed, perhaps they've seen that I no longer fit in their lives (yes, it works both ways). I also don't need to go around feeling like I'm stupid or have nothing worth contributing to others or be viewed as not having anything worth listening to. It's not about someone following any suggestions or ideas that I've made, it's the lack of respect that I feel, for what I may share, that has hurt me.
What I know for sure is... I am a good person and I don't need to rely on anyone else to confirm that. Either they see it, or they don't. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean that I'm not worthy enough as a wife, a mother, a daughter or a friend... it just means, that I may be with the wrong person(s). No one should struggle to fit in.
I like myself, just the way I am. I am who I am and I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life. That needs to be good enough and relationships are just the icing, on all of that.
Taking care of our emotional health, is just as important as watching what we eat. I would even go further and say that if we don't take care of our emotional health, it won't matter how healthy we eat. Attitude accounts for soooooo much!!!
I also have found, that sometimes, taking those much needed breaks from people, helps me to see things much more clearly. Sometimes I come up with ways that I can handle things better. Sometimes I realize that I just need to stop banging my head against the proverbial brick wall and cut my losses. As always, if you have to cut ties with someone, it's always a good idea (again, for your own emotional well being) to never do it in anger or frustration. Every relationship was there for a reason. Not all relationships will last forever, but certainly the good that has come out of knowing someone, does. Realize that everything happens for a reason and it is always with our best interest in mind.
So instead of feeling defeated and unworthy or unwanted... I'm going to take a much needed break. I don't need to keep pushing myself on others, if indeed, perhaps they've seen that I no longer fit in their lives (yes, it works both ways). I also don't need to go around feeling like I'm stupid or have nothing worth contributing to others or be viewed as not having anything worth listening to. It's not about someone following any suggestions or ideas that I've made, it's the lack of respect that I feel, for what I may share, that has hurt me.
What I know for sure is... I am a good person and I don't need to rely on anyone else to confirm that. Either they see it, or they don't. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean that I'm not worthy enough as a wife, a mother, a daughter or a friend... it just means, that I may be with the wrong person(s). No one should struggle to fit in.
I like myself, just the way I am. I am who I am and I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life. That needs to be good enough and relationships are just the icing, on all of that.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Getting Healthy
There's been some very interesting conversations on a forum that I'm on, about eating healthier. This has always been a concern of mine, since many of my cooking habits, are just that, habits. I grew up as a meat and potato person, throw in a vegetable every once in a while and call it good enough. I'm not a big fan of cooking, so it was good enough. Or so I thought. For the past year or so, I've really struggled with my energy level. I mean, it has been soooo bad, that a lot of days I would have next to none energy and good days were more like a few hours at best, with energy. Multi vitamins for women over 50, helped out somewhat, but not enough. I haven't been truly enjoying my life, because I knew that what ever I chose to do, I had very little time in which to do things, before I'd crash. In crashing, I mean, I would literally get shaky and my mind would be so fried, I could barely think. So this recent discussion, has given me a direction.
Over the years, I've developed both some good habits (cutting back quite a bit on sugars and drinking more water than I used to) and some bad habits (beyond the not enough fruits and veggies, I was using way too much salt). I've never been a soda drinker, which from what I understand, is an issue many Americans tend to have). I do love to drink milk, so milk and water with 2 cups of coffee, tends to be what I drink during the day. I very very rarily, have things like chips in the house (really helps to not have little ones around for this one). So there were some good things that I was doing, but it was not enough.
So anyways, one of the first things I've done for my health, is start taking a product called LivaTone. It is in capsule form and you take one capsule, twice a day for the first week (I'm just finishing up the first week today) and then 2 capsules, twice a day from here on out. It's not a liver cleanse, but more of a liver tonic. Since our livers store so much toxic junk, I feel that this is a good place to start. Already I have noticed that my weight, which has fluctuated so wildly just during the day, is staying in one place. :-) And while my belly is not hugely going down, I have noticed that I no longer feel bloated and my belly does seem to be getting rid of some of the belly fat it's been storing. Like I said, this is just week one, so I'm happy that I'm seeing some result. Later on, down the line, I will do a full liver cleanse. But first I want to work on eating better, so I'm not just cleansing my liver, to only pour the same toxins back in.
Now while I have never had a problem with drinking water (I do buy filtrated bottled water), I did go ahead and buy this Fruit Infuser http://www.amazon.com/Prodyne-Infusion-93-Ounce-Natural-Pitcher. You fill the pitcher with pure water and fill the cylinder with what ever fruit that you like. And it naturally infuses the water to give it a nice fruity taste. So far we've tried strawberries, which were good, but took a few days to infuse with a stronger taste. Watermelon, probably would have tasted better had it been more fresh at the time. But by far, my favorite is using Raspberries... OMG... it's delicious and refreshing. I got this and many more wonderful ideas from http://www.theyummylife.com./
As for putting healthier foods into my diet... I've found another wonderful website, full of great and yummy looking healthy recipes http://www.closetcooking.com/ I haven't tried them yet... but I definitely will be as soon as I write up a grocery list.
These were things that I've found on my own. But the forum that I'm a part of, had a discussion about eating organic foods and why. I found it a fascinating discussion. Really, they didn't share anything I didn't necessarily know about, but instead they put it in such a way, that I understood the values much better, if that makes any sense. It did to me ;-) We are fortunate, that we do have a food co-op here and it only cost $15 to get a huge laundry basket full of all sorts of fruits and veggies. Plus, they sell organic bread and tortillas (I love things made with tortillas). I did this a few times, but could never come up with enough recipes to ensure that I'd use up all of the fruits and veggies before they went bad. The bananas, were HUGE and absolutely better tasting than store bought. So I am looking forward to placing my order next Monday and getting started with eating much healthier.
Finding and affording organic dairy products and meats, will be a bit tougher. Right now, I do have a freezer full of meats, that I intend on using up first anyways. David has already said that he has lost much of his desire for meats, so in reality, I'd be buying more for myself. He wants to focus more on fish... which I do not eat at all. I told him that as long as he makes it himself, that's fine by me... I get way too nauseous with the smell of fish.
I'm glad to have David on board with changing up the foods that we're eating. He absolutely loves the fruity water I've been making and he is also taking the LivaTone. We are not going to totally jump in with both feet and ditch one eating life style for another, but what I've found in my life is that slow changes, tend to make me feel more at ease and encourages me to want to do more. I'm looking forward to sharing our experiences as we make dietary changes. More than that... I am looking forward to having more energy, so that I can truly enjoy my life. I have NO intention on growing older and wiling my time away on some rocking chair on the porch, unless it's to enjoy the ending of a good day. :-)
Over the years, I've developed both some good habits (cutting back quite a bit on sugars and drinking more water than I used to) and some bad habits (beyond the not enough fruits and veggies, I was using way too much salt). I've never been a soda drinker, which from what I understand, is an issue many Americans tend to have). I do love to drink milk, so milk and water with 2 cups of coffee, tends to be what I drink during the day. I very very rarily, have things like chips in the house (really helps to not have little ones around for this one). So there were some good things that I was doing, but it was not enough.
So anyways, one of the first things I've done for my health, is start taking a product called LivaTone. It is in capsule form and you take one capsule, twice a day for the first week (I'm just finishing up the first week today) and then 2 capsules, twice a day from here on out. It's not a liver cleanse, but more of a liver tonic. Since our livers store so much toxic junk, I feel that this is a good place to start. Already I have noticed that my weight, which has fluctuated so wildly just during the day, is staying in one place. :-) And while my belly is not hugely going down, I have noticed that I no longer feel bloated and my belly does seem to be getting rid of some of the belly fat it's been storing. Like I said, this is just week one, so I'm happy that I'm seeing some result. Later on, down the line, I will do a full liver cleanse. But first I want to work on eating better, so I'm not just cleansing my liver, to only pour the same toxins back in.
Now while I have never had a problem with drinking water (I do buy filtrated bottled water), I did go ahead and buy this Fruit Infuser http://www.amazon.com/Prodyne-Infusion-93-Ounce-Natural-Pitcher. You fill the pitcher with pure water and fill the cylinder with what ever fruit that you like. And it naturally infuses the water to give it a nice fruity taste. So far we've tried strawberries, which were good, but took a few days to infuse with a stronger taste. Watermelon, probably would have tasted better had it been more fresh at the time. But by far, my favorite is using Raspberries... OMG... it's delicious and refreshing. I got this and many more wonderful ideas from http://www.theyummylife.com./
As for putting healthier foods into my diet... I've found another wonderful website, full of great and yummy looking healthy recipes http://www.closetcooking.com/ I haven't tried them yet... but I definitely will be as soon as I write up a grocery list.
These were things that I've found on my own. But the forum that I'm a part of, had a discussion about eating organic foods and why. I found it a fascinating discussion. Really, they didn't share anything I didn't necessarily know about, but instead they put it in such a way, that I understood the values much better, if that makes any sense. It did to me ;-) We are fortunate, that we do have a food co-op here and it only cost $15 to get a huge laundry basket full of all sorts of fruits and veggies. Plus, they sell organic bread and tortillas (I love things made with tortillas). I did this a few times, but could never come up with enough recipes to ensure that I'd use up all of the fruits and veggies before they went bad. The bananas, were HUGE and absolutely better tasting than store bought. So I am looking forward to placing my order next Monday and getting started with eating much healthier.
Finding and affording organic dairy products and meats, will be a bit tougher. Right now, I do have a freezer full of meats, that I intend on using up first anyways. David has already said that he has lost much of his desire for meats, so in reality, I'd be buying more for myself. He wants to focus more on fish... which I do not eat at all. I told him that as long as he makes it himself, that's fine by me... I get way too nauseous with the smell of fish.
I'm glad to have David on board with changing up the foods that we're eating. He absolutely loves the fruity water I've been making and he is also taking the LivaTone. We are not going to totally jump in with both feet and ditch one eating life style for another, but what I've found in my life is that slow changes, tend to make me feel more at ease and encourages me to want to do more. I'm looking forward to sharing our experiences as we make dietary changes. More than that... I am looking forward to having more energy, so that I can truly enjoy my life. I have NO intention on growing older and wiling my time away on some rocking chair on the porch, unless it's to enjoy the ending of a good day. :-)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
"Go To" Quilts
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This one is my Dragonfly Quilt. I keep finding myself drawn to the turquoise colors
I will be definitely be making more quilts, using these two patterns.
Tote Bags for Cancer Patients Begins...
This tote bag pictured here, while it was not the first
bag that I made for a friend of mine that has cancer, it
certainly was the start of me wanting to make these to give away to other cancer patients. I just love the whimsical and cheery pattern.
The inside pockets are big enough to hold a couple of water bottles on one side and a Nook or Kindle on the other side.
What a blessing.... this my dear friends, is the response from some very lovely ladies, when I asked for fabric donations to make these tote bags. And there's still MORE to come!!!
bag that I made for a friend of mine that has cancer, it
certainly was the start of me wanting to make these to give away to other cancer patients. I just love the whimsical and cheery pattern.
The inside pockets are big enough to hold a couple of water bottles on one side and a Nook or Kindle on the other side.
This purple print bag is the first of hopefully many, many bags, that will be given away.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Fantasy vs Reality
I hadn't realized this until now, but apparently I have been living in some dream world, as a way of coping with reality. Okay, before you think I'm totally off of my rocker, let me explain.
My husband took off a 4 day weekend. I thought this would be quite nice... 4 days to ourselves. :-) But the first 2 days, he spent more time on the computer or watching tv or playing video games. :-( I felt hurt and disappointed, but thankfully I have my quilting to keep me occupied. Anyways, I have no idea what prompted him to ask me, as I'm drinking my first cup of coffee no less, what I wanted to do today? Huh? Well, as I said, I was still on my first cup of coffee, trying to wake up. So I really had no idea. Secondly, I was a bit put out, that he waits two days, before he decides that we should do something together. He on the other hand, couldn't figure out why I was so put out. Sigh...In the course of our conversation, he had the realization that it was unfair of him, to "zone out" so much when he is home and then expect me to be all excited about him wanting to do something with me, every once in a great while. But I too, had a revelation.
Here he was, finally... asking to do something with me, and I had NO answer!! It got me to thinking of all of the times that I thought about day trips, or maybe going out to lunch, going on vacations, etc, but because this never happened, no matter how many times I told him what I'd like, these things were just dreams of mine. Just like the bridal shows that are on tv. Yes... I do watch them. I get to live out, something that I never experienced. That time of shopping for a bridal gown and planning a wedding. We won't go into that, but suffice to say, my wedding was not one of my dreams, nor was the dress that I wore. It's a dream world that I live in, one in which I get to live out, what is not true or has not been true in my life... as if I had. :-/ Today's discussion with my husband, got me to realize that I've shut down so many of my emotions and dream of what cannot be, as a way of surviving I guess. Sad, but true.
He asked me if my quilting and the tote bag project, was something I really wanted to do or was that too, a part of surviving an unhappy life. Actually, it is in part, both. I do enjoy my quilting. And I do want to make these tote bags. But I'll be honest, the tote bag idea, I never once considered that for real (again, only in my dreams and wishes) that most of the people that I've mentioned this to, would have responded in such a generous way. All of a sudden, this was a reality and people were taking me seriously!!! And now I too, have to take me seriously. Weird, huh? I've been so used to my little dream world where what I say, do and want, mean something to me and others and I'm not sure what to do, now that some of it at least, is a reality. It's just an odd concept to be taken seriously or like I truly exist.
My husband took off a 4 day weekend. I thought this would be quite nice... 4 days to ourselves. :-) But the first 2 days, he spent more time on the computer or watching tv or playing video games. :-( I felt hurt and disappointed, but thankfully I have my quilting to keep me occupied. Anyways, I have no idea what prompted him to ask me, as I'm drinking my first cup of coffee no less, what I wanted to do today? Huh? Well, as I said, I was still on my first cup of coffee, trying to wake up. So I really had no idea. Secondly, I was a bit put out, that he waits two days, before he decides that we should do something together. He on the other hand, couldn't figure out why I was so put out. Sigh...In the course of our conversation, he had the realization that it was unfair of him, to "zone out" so much when he is home and then expect me to be all excited about him wanting to do something with me, every once in a great while. But I too, had a revelation.
Here he was, finally... asking to do something with me, and I had NO answer!! It got me to thinking of all of the times that I thought about day trips, or maybe going out to lunch, going on vacations, etc, but because this never happened, no matter how many times I told him what I'd like, these things were just dreams of mine. Just like the bridal shows that are on tv. Yes... I do watch them. I get to live out, something that I never experienced. That time of shopping for a bridal gown and planning a wedding. We won't go into that, but suffice to say, my wedding was not one of my dreams, nor was the dress that I wore. It's a dream world that I live in, one in which I get to live out, what is not true or has not been true in my life... as if I had. :-/ Today's discussion with my husband, got me to realize that I've shut down so many of my emotions and dream of what cannot be, as a way of surviving I guess. Sad, but true.
He asked me if my quilting and the tote bag project, was something I really wanted to do or was that too, a part of surviving an unhappy life. Actually, it is in part, both. I do enjoy my quilting. And I do want to make these tote bags. But I'll be honest, the tote bag idea, I never once considered that for real (again, only in my dreams and wishes) that most of the people that I've mentioned this to, would have responded in such a generous way. All of a sudden, this was a reality and people were taking me seriously!!! And now I too, have to take me seriously. Weird, huh? I've been so used to my little dream world where what I say, do and want, mean something to me and others and I'm not sure what to do, now that some of it at least, is a reality. It's just an odd concept to be taken seriously or like I truly exist.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Change is in the Air
How do I explain what it is that I feel? What is swirling around in my mind? For a while now, I've been feeling like I am on the edge of some kind of break through. Some who have known me for a while, might even feel that I've become more distant and perhaps I have been, as I sort out all that is going thru my mind.
For most of my life, I've been looking for "the place" where I fit in, where I belong. What I know for sure is, sometimes where we belong, is seasonal. Sometimes it's a forever place. Often times, it seems to be ever changing, the more we grow, the more we may find that we want different things from our lives. And sometimes it cements what we believe in and stand for. For myself, I feel like all of the walls and obstacles that have been in my way for most of my life, are falling away, leaving me with a clearer vision of what I want for my life.
I recently met a new friend, who has cancer. She's been battling it, in one form or another, for 5 yrs. I got a chance to meet her in person yesterday. We sat down and chatted for hours and I got to hear, how it feels for her, to live with it and try to fight it. I heard of the devastating toll it has taken on her and her partner. I heard of the life she once had and how cancer has stolen that from her. For reasons that I cannot explain, her story has touched me. Her partner of 23 yrs has been telling me bits and pieces of their story with cancer, while he was working on re doing our bathroom for us. It was because of the things that he shared, that I suddenly felt compelled to make tote bags to give to cancer patients. Anyways, that is a story for another time. Let's just say, that Kim's story, is part of the breakthrough.
Along side of that, are my kids. It's been over 4 yrs ago, since I've last heard from my beloved daughter Jen. I have no idea, where she is at, what she is doing or even if she is alive. That has done it's own damage to me. One that I've had to face and deal with. But recently, my youngest son, has also decided to cut out contact with the entire family and like his sister, no one knows why. Today is Father's Day... and no phone call from him, not to his brother, who recently became a father, nor to his own dad. And again, I find myself hurting and confused at his silence.
These are just two things out of many, that have come together and help me to get clearer about what I want for my own life. Some things, I cannot control anything more, than how I chose to handle it. Other things, have made me re consider, past friendships and who I really feel that I can continue on with, in the future. It's not to indicate that anyone is a bad person, per se... but rather, those that I have outgrown, because we're headed in entirely different directions.
Life is precious. Our time on earth is short. Some shorter than others. It is not a good idea for any one of us, to live our life, solely to please someone else and forsake ourselves. The best gift that we can give to anyone, is in being ourselves. Some will appreciate it, others won't. It pretty much helps you to weed, who should stay and who you need to let go of, because you're not doing either one of you a favor in the long run.
How this will all turn out, is any one's guess. But I know in my heart, that I need to continue to let go of what is holding me back, whether it be something that is too negative to be good for me or if it's something that I realize that our time has run out and it's time for me to move away and continue forward.
For most of my life, I've been looking for "the place" where I fit in, where I belong. What I know for sure is, sometimes where we belong, is seasonal. Sometimes it's a forever place. Often times, it seems to be ever changing, the more we grow, the more we may find that we want different things from our lives. And sometimes it cements what we believe in and stand for. For myself, I feel like all of the walls and obstacles that have been in my way for most of my life, are falling away, leaving me with a clearer vision of what I want for my life.
I recently met a new friend, who has cancer. She's been battling it, in one form or another, for 5 yrs. I got a chance to meet her in person yesterday. We sat down and chatted for hours and I got to hear, how it feels for her, to live with it and try to fight it. I heard of the devastating toll it has taken on her and her partner. I heard of the life she once had and how cancer has stolen that from her. For reasons that I cannot explain, her story has touched me. Her partner of 23 yrs has been telling me bits and pieces of their story with cancer, while he was working on re doing our bathroom for us. It was because of the things that he shared, that I suddenly felt compelled to make tote bags to give to cancer patients. Anyways, that is a story for another time. Let's just say, that Kim's story, is part of the breakthrough.
Along side of that, are my kids. It's been over 4 yrs ago, since I've last heard from my beloved daughter Jen. I have no idea, where she is at, what she is doing or even if she is alive. That has done it's own damage to me. One that I've had to face and deal with. But recently, my youngest son, has also decided to cut out contact with the entire family and like his sister, no one knows why. Today is Father's Day... and no phone call from him, not to his brother, who recently became a father, nor to his own dad. And again, I find myself hurting and confused at his silence.
These are just two things out of many, that have come together and help me to get clearer about what I want for my own life. Some things, I cannot control anything more, than how I chose to handle it. Other things, have made me re consider, past friendships and who I really feel that I can continue on with, in the future. It's not to indicate that anyone is a bad person, per se... but rather, those that I have outgrown, because we're headed in entirely different directions.
Life is precious. Our time on earth is short. Some shorter than others. It is not a good idea for any one of us, to live our life, solely to please someone else and forsake ourselves. The best gift that we can give to anyone, is in being ourselves. Some will appreciate it, others won't. It pretty much helps you to weed, who should stay and who you need to let go of, because you're not doing either one of you a favor in the long run.
How this will all turn out, is any one's guess. But I know in my heart, that I need to continue to let go of what is holding me back, whether it be something that is too negative to be good for me or if it's something that I realize that our time has run out and it's time for me to move away and continue forward.
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