Some Days Are Just Challenging

Tomorrow is my husband's and mine, 32nd Anniversary. Wow... it's hard to believe that we've been together that long, raised 3 kids and now have 2 adorable granddaughters!! Life often feels like it goes at a snails pace, but then you have moments where it feels like it flies by. It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago, that we were shuffling kids to school and taking them to basketball, soccer and baseball practices and games and such. How busy we were back then.

Anyways, hubby has taken the day off (yea) and we're going to spend the day down in Tubac, looking around at all the specialty shops and go out for lunch. Tubac is a place that both of us enjoy. Originally hubby was thinking of the traditional dinner out, but I wanted to do something fun and out of the ordinary. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something together. Especially after the day I had today.

Today was a rough day. One of my horses, came up lame several days ago and I've been soaking her feet. This morning, I noticed a place where the pus had come out, which is a good thing. So I got online and found info on how to make a poultice for her and put that on and wrapped her leg. Wrapping her leg was... uh, interesting. Mija has little patience for someone messing with her feet, so my wrapping wasn't exactly professional looking. When I came out later tonight to feed the horses, I watched as my other horse Bree, was attempting to pull of Mija's bandages. Arghhhh!! So I had to re-wrap it. Well.... I wished that it had been as easy as that, but eventually, we had a heart to heart about me trying to help her. Mija walked over to where I was sitting on the ground, sobbing in frustration. She looked down at my medical kit I had out and I explained to her, that I was just trying to help her feel better. Mija said, "okay". After that, she stood very nicely, while I put the poultice on and re-wrapped her legs. Whew!

And then earlier in the day, my dog Jax, had found my eye glasses and had chewed off the ear pieces. YIKES!!! So in between bandaging an injured horse, I had to run down to the eye glass place to see if they could fix my glasses for me. Well, they couldn't, so I had to buy new frames. Baaaddd Jax!!! So, as I said, not the best of days, but it's over and I'm looking forward to celebrating our anniversary tomorrow.

Life Moves On

As I re-read what I posted yesterday, I have no regrets. I wrote straight from my heart and I stand by every word. I think when we share negative emotions, it can go two ways, either it can be freeing to express our frustrations, or we can feel like we want to take back our negative words. I feel free!

As I mulled over my words yesterday, I realized that what I was looking for on those forums, was friendships. But can you honestly have friendships online with complete or nearly complete strangers? I thought that I could. I still believe that it is possible in the right settings to form lasting friendships. My husband was quick to remind me, that forums tend to be cliquish as well as superficial and maybe they are not the best place for someone like me, who is prone to caring too much. I think he may be right about that. I do have to say that I have met a lot of wonderful people, who opened my eyes to a lot of things that I wouldn't otherwise have known about. So it's not a total loss. I have also traveled thru the country to meet up with many of them, which for me, is a huge thing for me to have done. Traveling by myself and meeting up with strangers, is a huge threshold for me, that normally I would avoid doing. But I did it!! So I can be proud of myself for that.

Being on forums, I was exposed to new ideas and different ways of doing things. I've learned about natural horsemanship, I've learned how to stretch myself out and share what I normally would keep to myself. I've picked up on information regarding Essential Oils, learning to be positive (I was formally the Drama Queen of Negativity), I was introduced to the Laws of Attraction, new recipes (friends are always good for getting you out of cooking ruts)... oh, all sorts of new things I've learned. And I will always be grateful for the things that I've picked up from those that I've met on forums.The people I have met, are wonderful people.

That being said, I've had to face that the down side of forums, were too much for me to handle. And that's okay. It's good to recognize what you feel comfortable with and what you don't. The down side for me is the tendency on forums, for many people to speed read. Speed reading is something we've all done from time to time when we're in a rush and want to catch up quickly. But done on a regular basis, it's a disservice that we do to others. My personal opinion (being the sensitive type) is that if someone is sharing something, then it is important to them. And I want to acknowledge that. But not everyone feels as I do. So that was a struggle for me. Sometimes, and I've had this happen to me several times, is that someone will scan thru something you've written and respond. And then others will look at that poster's comments and make comments based on what was said, not the original post. I literally, got into an argument one time, when I posted something, someone else responded without paying attention to what I had written and more people responded to the misrepresentation. Oh my, what a mess as I tried to sort it out and repeat the correct version and someone actually argued with me about my own story. Seriously??!!! And because I tried to fix the misconception, with one of the "in" people, I was on the outs with this group for several weeks!!! Why I stayed, is beyond me. The problem was, people didn't want to take the time to read what one another was posting. I find responding to someone, by skimming over what is written or using someone else's comments as a base from which you respond, is just plain rude. Someone took the time to write- to share their thoughts and speed reading and then responding, is disrespectful. If you don't have time to carefully read and respond, just say that.

Another down side would be the "in" group. This one forum that I'm on, there is a definite "in group"... lovely ladies all, but those 5 or 6 people, tend to have conversations thru the day, amongst themselves and the rest of us tend to be the tag a longs. I suppose that's human nature to some degree, but for someone like me, who when I share something, I'm sharing from my heart, so when it gets ignored, it hurts me. Anyways, after looking at this and speaking with my husband about my frustrations, I can now easily see, that as much as I like the people and have learned a lot from them, this is just not a setting that works well for me. It's just not worth feeling so hurt during the day. I would do better with face to face friendships, with my personality. I don't need to feel like I have to be someone I'm not, just to fit in. And that's what I was ending up doing.

Anyways... Life moves on and I've been neglecting the things that I was enjoying doing. It would be great and wonderful if I had some people that I could share my excitement and discouragements with... but I have to face that I don't have that... yet. But that shouldn't stop me from doing what I enjoy. So it's time to get back to that and leave forum life behind. And with that said, I have some more tote bags that I need to be finishing up. Later, I will post the ones that I have already finished.

Enough Already!!!

Perhaps I shouldn't even be writing when I am feeling this angry... but I have found that it can be cathartic for me to vent and get the negative toxins out of me, so that I can be more at peace, with me... with my life. And often times, in venting, I find direction for myself. So here goes...

I am beyond fed up with "friends", relationships and people in general!!! My husband has told me numerous of times, that I am not out in the "world" enough, to learn how to harden myself against the disrespect. And he's right, I haven't been. I get to pop out long enough to have some contact, do what I need to do and go back to the safety of my home. On top of that, I am a very sensitive person, so I tend to feel and see more. And I take things personally. But honestly (from my perspective) people can be soooo insensitive and create a world that is all about them, that they can't see how much they've brought pain to someone else.

Time after time, I find myself being on the outside of groups. No matter how I try to fit in... I find myself being ostracized. I'm not part of some "in" group, so I can watch conversations go around me and pass up anything that I may have to share. Someone else can say what I've just finished saying, and they are the ones who get responded to. I can't even begin to tell you how often I've thought to myself "Can you hear me now???" I mean, seriously, it's as if I hadn't spoken!!

I have two forums that I am a member of. People that I have known for a while now and yet... I'm still on the outside looking in. It doesn't matter what I post, for the most part, I get ignored. And the times that I don't get ignored, I get a passing response, while someone else, gets more of their attention. It hurts me deeply, that I think of these people as my friends and to be treated that way. Just in the past two weeks, most of what I've shared, got totally blown over and ignored!! And yet, when they are sharing something exciting in their lives, a cute photo or sharing a struggle they've gone thru, I'm there for them. But where are they, when I want to share an idea, a cute photo or a struggle that I'm going thru??? I can count more times that I've gotten ignored, than responded to and that's NOT a good thing!!! Don't they know or even care, that I am just as proud of my accomplishments and knowledge, as they are of theirs??? Do they know or care that I am just as proud of my new baby granddaughter, as they are of their own grandkids??? Or my horses and dog??? Geesh!!

Let me put this another way...don't you just love it when you share a photo of your grands, when you get positive responses of how beautiful they are? Well, I do too. How about when you share a pic or tel a story about your animals? You know they are the greatest and the smartest of of course, the most beautiful, right? Well, that's how I feel too. If you're having a bad day or a struggle, doesn't it help, just to know that some one else gets it? Maybe they offer an idea, but mostly they just love you and support you and tell you that you're still a great person? I like that too. But it seems to me, that so many people, just want to talk about themselves and maybe someone that they feel close to, but then they ignore the rest. :-( How sad.

Forum life is easy enough to move away from. You just stop wasting your time, posting. And that's what I am going to have to do, to save my sanity. But what do you do, when it's your family that does this as well? You begin to feel paranoid that there is something so wrong with you, that no one thinks you have any value. But I know that I do and I know that there are plenty of people who are missing out on what I bring to the table. Apparently they can live without that. So be it. It wouldn't be so bad, if I felt that I was important to my own husband tho. I'm weary of having conversations with him, on how it hurts to be ignored, only to have him apologize and do it again (eyes rolling). I feel like I'm a freak or something. Or maybe I don't really exist, except for in my own mind... who knows!!! My husband tells me that it's not me, but people (he does include himself in this). He tells me that people get stuck in their own little world and don't pay attention to the quieter ones.

Okay, so I know that I'm quiet. That's who I am. I don't force myself or my opinions, etc on others. I quietly wait for a spot, so I can speak. I'm not comfortable with being like a bull in a china shop and forcing myself on others. So what. Maybe... just maybe, people would realize that I can speak, if given the opportunity to be heard. I have lots to say and share... but I'm not going to fight to get a word in edge wise. Right now, I feel so battered. I don't want to fight to find a place amongst those I care about. I just want the ability to be me. I would love to have a BFF... but those spots have been taken up by others. So I remain on the outside of most conversations. It doesn't matter how intelligent I am, how I bring a different way of doing and looking at things, into a relationship. Nope... if you're considered popular, then those are the ones who people look up to for any ideas. People like me, get passed over.

You know what I want??? I want conversation. I want to be able to listen and respond and have someone listen and respond to me... whether it be about something serious or mundane... I want a two way conversation, where I know for sure, that I'm being heard. I don't care if people disagree with me, as long as I'm being treated with respect. Silence or throwing a few words at me, over your shoulder, as you walk away, is NOT respect!!! That's dismissive and that's rude and hurtful.

So with that being said... I'm done. Stick a fork in me... I'm done!!! No one seems to want to hear what I have to say... so I won't be wasting my time, talking. No one seems to feel that they can learn something new from me or be happy and share in that happiness, of the things I'm most proud of... so I won't waste their time or mine, on sharing. I'll keep it to myself. It's a pity really. There are a lot of quiet, sensitive people, who have much to share, if only they were given an opportunity. But instead, we live in a society where boisterous people, get all of the attention. Well, they don't have a monopoly on a good life, happy things or knowledge. So there's a lot us sensitive types can offer, but no one is hearing us.

Good bye to forum life and fair weathered friends... I'm finished putting myself in a position of being ignored.

Pause For A Moment

Sometimes I just need to take a break from people. When I start feeling like what I say or share, is being ignored or not considered good enough to listen to, that's my signal to break things off for a bit, before I start believing that it is I who is not good enough.

Taking care of our emotional health, is just as important as watching what we eat. I would even go further and say that if we don't take care of our emotional health, it won't matter how healthy we eat. Attitude accounts for soooooo much!!!

I also have found, that sometimes, taking those much needed breaks from people, helps me to see things much more clearly. Sometimes I come up with ways that I can handle things better. Sometimes I realize that I just need to stop banging my head against the proverbial brick wall and cut my losses. As always, if you have to cut ties with someone, it's always a good idea (again, for your own emotional well being) to never do it in anger or frustration. Every relationship was there for a reason. Not all relationships will last forever, but certainly the good that has come out of knowing someone, does. Realize that everything happens for a reason and it is always with our best interest in mind.

So instead of feeling defeated and unworthy or unwanted... I'm going to take a much needed break. I don't need to keep pushing myself on others, if indeed, perhaps they've seen that I no longer fit in their lives (yes, it works both ways). I also don't need to go around feeling like I'm stupid or have nothing worth contributing to others or be viewed as not having anything worth listening to. It's not about someone following any suggestions or ideas that I've made, it's the lack of respect that I feel, for what I may share, that has hurt me.

What I know for sure is... I am a good person and I don't need to rely on anyone else to confirm that. Either they see it, or they don't. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean that I'm not worthy enough as a wife, a mother, a daughter or a friend... it just means, that I may be with the wrong person(s). No one should struggle to fit in.

I like myself, just the way I am. I am who I am and I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life. That needs to be good enough and relationships are just the icing, on all of that.

Getting Healthy

There's been some very interesting conversations on a forum that I'm on, about eating healthier. This has always been a concern of mine, since many of my cooking habits, are just that, habits. I grew up as a meat and potato person, throw in a vegetable every once in a while and call it good enough. I'm not a big fan of cooking, so it was good enough. Or so I thought. For the past year or so, I've really struggled with my energy level. I mean, it has been soooo bad, that a lot of days I would have next to none energy and good days were more like a few hours at best, with energy. Multi vitamins for women over 50, helped out somewhat, but not enough. I haven't been truly enjoying my life, because I knew that what ever I chose to do, I had very little time in which to do things, before I'd crash. In crashing, I mean, I would literally get shaky and my mind would be so fried, I could barely think. So this recent discussion, has given me a direction.

Over the years, I've developed both some good habits (cutting back quite a bit on sugars and drinking more water than I used to) and some bad habits (beyond the not enough fruits and veggies, I was using way too much salt). I've never been a soda drinker, which from what I understand, is an issue many Americans tend to have). I do love to drink milk, so milk and water with 2 cups of coffee, tends to be what I drink during the day. I very very rarily, have things like chips in the house (really helps to not have little ones around for this one). So there were some good things that I was doing, but it was not enough.

So anyways, one of the first things I've done for my health, is start taking a product called LivaTone. It is in capsule form and you take one capsule, twice a day for the first week (I'm just finishing up the first week today) and then 2 capsules, twice a day from here on out. It's not a liver cleanse, but more of a liver tonic. Since our livers store so much toxic junk, I feel that this is a good place to start. Already I have noticed that my weight, which has fluctuated so wildly just during the day, is staying in one place. :-) And while my belly is not hugely going down, I have noticed that I no longer feel bloated and my belly does seem to be getting rid of some of the belly fat it's been storing. Like I said, this is just week one, so I'm happy that I'm seeing some result. Later on, down the line, I will do a full liver cleanse. But first I want to work on eating better, so I'm not just cleansing my liver, to only pour the same toxins back in.

Now while I have never had a problem with drinking water (I do buy filtrated bottled water), I did go ahead and buy this Fruit Infuser http://www.amazon.com/Prodyne-Infusion-93-Ounce-Natural-Pitcher. You fill the pitcher with pure water and fill the cylinder with what ever fruit that you like. And it naturally infuses the water to give it a nice fruity taste. So far we've tried strawberries, which were good, but took a few days to infuse with a stronger taste. Watermelon, probably would have tasted better had it been more fresh at the time. But by far, my favorite is using Raspberries... OMG... it's delicious and refreshing. I got this and many more wonderful ideas from http://www.theyummylife.com./

As for putting healthier foods into my diet... I've found another wonderful website, full of great and yummy looking healthy recipes http://www.closetcooking.com/ I haven't tried them yet... but I definitely will be as soon as I write up a grocery list.

These were things that I've found on my own. But the forum that I'm a part of, had a discussion about eating organic foods and why. I found it a fascinating discussion. Really, they didn't share anything I didn't necessarily know about, but instead they put it in such a way, that I understood the values much better, if that makes any sense. It did to me ;-)  We are fortunate, that we do have a food co-op here and it only cost $15 to get a huge laundry basket full of all sorts of fruits and veggies. Plus, they sell organic bread and tortillas (I love things made with tortillas). I did this a few times, but could never come up with enough recipes to ensure that I'd use up all of the fruits and veggies before they went bad. The bananas, were HUGE and absolutely better tasting than store bought. So I am looking forward to placing my order next Monday and getting started with eating much healthier.

Finding and affording organic dairy products and meats, will be a bit tougher. Right now, I do have a freezer full of meats, that I intend on using up first anyways. David has already said that he has lost much of his desire for meats, so in reality, I'd be buying more for myself. He wants to focus more on fish... which I do not eat at all. I told him that as long as he makes it himself, that's fine by me... I get way too nauseous with the smell of fish.

I'm glad to have David on board with changing up the foods that we're eating. He absolutely loves the fruity water I've been making and he is also taking the LivaTone. We are not going to totally jump in with both feet and ditch one eating life style for another, but what I've found in my life is that slow changes, tend to make me feel more at ease and encourages me to want to do more. I'm looking forward to sharing our experiences as we make dietary changes. More than that... I am looking forward to having more energy, so that I can truly enjoy my life. I have NO intention on growing older and wiling my time away on some rocking chair on the porch, unless it's to enjoy the ending of a good day. :-)