As 2012 winds down and comes to a close, it's a good time for me, to reflect on all that happened. In doing so, I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for, the lesson's learned, the things that I can build on and the things I can improve on. The memories that I cherish and the things that just need to be thrown away.
2012 was an interesting year, it had some really great highlighted moments and it also had some very hurtful and even confusing moments. But I think that it came to a head last night, as I was chatting with my husband. Sometimes I can get too busy, too involved in "stuff", that I tend to forget the real priorities in my life. And that would be, my relationship with my husband. David has been wonderful in supporting me in my quilting, tote bag making and horse time. He's also been there as my sounding board, when I was confused and frustrated with the forums that I was on. But by the end of the day, I had no energy and that translates into less good quality time, spent with him.
I started out this year, realizing that my quilting had taken on such dominance in my life. To that end, I committed myself to only signing up for "teaching" classes, and not classes that was about making a particular quilt. In the end, I pretty much kept my word on that. I only took one class on making a particular quilt and that was only because it was a quilt I was already planning on making. I also realized, that in order to reduce the stress around the holidays, that I would have to stop at a certain point, in making any more totes for the rest of the year. And this I've done. When I look back at this year, I made about 16 tote bags, all but two, were given away to cancer patients. I put together and finished many quilts. I can't remember off hand how many, but what I've learned this year was, how to be proud of myself, for actually finishing what I've started. :-) Plus, I've learned many new skills and see areas that need some more work.
Forums. After many evenings of being completely frustrated, hurt and even appalled... I came to realize that the drama and quirks, just wasn't worth tearing myself apart. David was sooooo patient as I muddled my way to that conclusion. I did end up walking away from one particular forum that had gotten so out of hand. And the other one... well, I'm weaning myself away from that one. I have decided that forum life isn't for me. It's not to say they are necessarily bad, because they're not. I've learned a great deal from other people. I would say, it's the "politics" involved. Or rather, the cliquishness of them that I don't like and have been hurt by. I feel like I've spent way too much of my time, sharing and responding, to mostly getting ignored in return. This is not good for me and so it was one of the best decisions that I've made, to choose to walk away. And I can't even begin to tell you, how much lighter my heart has been, since I did that. I will believe that "real" friendships will come my way, in time. And they will be relationships in which I feel respected in.
There was a bit of drama within the family as well, as my kids, now adults, find their way and establish their own priorities. I've had to learn to let them go and at the same time, to keep moving forward with my own life. For sooooo many years, especially when my own marriage was faltering, my kids were my life. I've now learned, that I am in charge of my life and it isn't all about them, but rather, the things that I enjoy. Things with the boys are getting better and for that, I am grateful. I did hear from my daughter a few months ago (Sept), but haven't heard anything since then. But at least she responded to my message. It's a start. It's tough to deal with her absence in our life, especially around the holidays and all of the b-days in our family. But I know in my heart, that she's not ready to be with us at this time. So I'm trying to be good with that and patient, as she sorts it all out.
But the one GREAT thing that happened this year is the birth of our first granddaughter. :-) Ah, what a blessing that has been, to watch her grow and learn. This Christmas will be very special indeed, spending it with our family and granddaughters.
As I've said, this has been an interesting year, full of ups and downs, good things and hurtful things. But I am walking away from this year, knowing that I have grown so much. And I'm becoming clearer of what I want for my life and what I don't and that is ALWAYS a good thing, isn't it?
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
Catching Up
Wow, I hadn't realized just how long it's been since I've last posted here. I've been pretty busy with making the tote bags for cancer patients, as well as some quilts that will be given as Christmas gifts this year. Just this past Monday, I was able to deliver a box of tote bags to the nearby cancer center. What a wonderful feeling it was, to know that I'm doing something helpful for others. And I have been pleasantly amazed at the donations of fabric or money that I've received to help keep this project going. :-)
I also recently went thru a pretty severe infection, that turned into MRSA... omg... that was horrible. It was a simple little incident of scrapping my leg while riding and it turned into a staph infection. I was pretty much laid up for 3 weeks, where walking was painful, but not nearly as painful as all of the debriding and packing of the wound was. Thankfully, I'm now on the mend, and I can now get back to my various sewing projects and horse time. :-)
This was our first year of celebrating Halloween with grandkids. Cori was scheduled to work Halloween night, but she came up with the idea to head to our local zoo, where they had a Halloween special going on, a few nights before. Jaelyn, who is now 8 mos old, looked adorable in her Little Red Riding Hood costume and 4yr old Emelina, was dressed up as Snow White.
We've also gone to Apple Annie's Orchard in Wilcox, AZ twice, with the grandkiddos. The first time, we went to go pick apples and the second time we went back, we went on a hayride, to go pick out pumpkins and then went thru the corn maze. It's been amazing to share these fun trips with the girls and I look forward to watching them both grow and sharing many more fun family times together.
Oh, and lest I forget, my long lost daughter, finally contacted us. :-) I have been searching the internet for the past 4 1/2 yrs for her and finally found her on Facebook. I left her a message, and a few weeks later, she responded. She said that she loved and missed us all and had been thinking about us. Despite 2 more messages that I've left, I haven't heard anything more. :-/ It's been 2 mos since I've heard from her. I was really, really hoping, that maybe, just maybe, this years holidays, we could possibly spend with one another as a whole family. But that's not looking possible right now. :-( I guess the one message that she did send, was the best that she could do for now and while it hurts that it can't be more, I'm grateful for the one message I've gotten from her after all of these years of silence. No one knows of the pain I'm going thru about this, because no one has asked, even after I shared that we finally had heard from her.
And yes, I'm still on both of the previously mentioned forums. :-/ And yes, nothing has changed. I know that I really do need to move on from them. I don't belong there. I just find it so difficult to fully let go. I guess that I foolishly hope that things will improve, but they actually seem to be getting worse. Everyone is lost in their own world and barely recognize what someone else has shared. These were once great friendships that I cherished, and I still do cherish the memories, but people change and head in different directions and suddenly you find that so did the relationships. It's like we've outgrown one another or something. I dunno. Anyways, it is what it is and while I've been finding it difficult to make the final decision to walk away, I have focused on doing other things that make me happy and keep me busy. I just miss being able to share my day with my good friends and to know that they share in my happiness with me. But I've grown enough where as much as it would be great to have friends who care, I am able to give that to myself and call it good.
Well, I think that pretty much catches me up. LOL It's time for me to get going in my day and do some more work on my quilts. I will be back and post pics as they get finished.
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| one of the tote bags I've made |
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| The box of tote bags, ready to be delivered |
This was our first year of celebrating Halloween with grandkids. Cori was scheduled to work Halloween night, but she came up with the idea to head to our local zoo, where they had a Halloween special going on, a few nights before. Jaelyn, who is now 8 mos old, looked adorable in her Little Red Riding Hood costume and 4yr old Emelina, was dressed up as Snow White.
We've also gone to Apple Annie's Orchard in Wilcox, AZ twice, with the grandkiddos. The first time, we went to go pick apples and the second time we went back, we went on a hayride, to go pick out pumpkins and then went thru the corn maze. It's been amazing to share these fun trips with the girls and I look forward to watching them both grow and sharing many more fun family times together.
Oh, and lest I forget, my long lost daughter, finally contacted us. :-) I have been searching the internet for the past 4 1/2 yrs for her and finally found her on Facebook. I left her a message, and a few weeks later, she responded. She said that she loved and missed us all and had been thinking about us. Despite 2 more messages that I've left, I haven't heard anything more. :-/ It's been 2 mos since I've heard from her. I was really, really hoping, that maybe, just maybe, this years holidays, we could possibly spend with one another as a whole family. But that's not looking possible right now. :-( I guess the one message that she did send, was the best that she could do for now and while it hurts that it can't be more, I'm grateful for the one message I've gotten from her after all of these years of silence. No one knows of the pain I'm going thru about this, because no one has asked, even after I shared that we finally had heard from her.
And yes, I'm still on both of the previously mentioned forums. :-/ And yes, nothing has changed. I know that I really do need to move on from them. I don't belong there. I just find it so difficult to fully let go. I guess that I foolishly hope that things will improve, but they actually seem to be getting worse. Everyone is lost in their own world and barely recognize what someone else has shared. These were once great friendships that I cherished, and I still do cherish the memories, but people change and head in different directions and suddenly you find that so did the relationships. It's like we've outgrown one another or something. I dunno. Anyways, it is what it is and while I've been finding it difficult to make the final decision to walk away, I have focused on doing other things that make me happy and keep me busy. I just miss being able to share my day with my good friends and to know that they share in my happiness with me. But I've grown enough where as much as it would be great to have friends who care, I am able to give that to myself and call it good.
Well, I think that pretty much catches me up. LOL It's time for me to get going in my day and do some more work on my quilts. I will be back and post pics as they get finished.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Blast From The Past
I'm not sure exactly what prompted me to do this, but while I was on Facebook, I looked up a pastor we had known years ago, back when we lived in MS. All I can say is... oh WOW... it's like going to a high school reunion!!! Funny, how we remember people as we last saw them. Of course, that was like 24 yrs ago and all of us have changed. The children my kids used to play with, are married and have their own kids. The adults that I knew, are showing signs of age and are now grandparents. Of course, then you realize more than ever, that you too, have changed a lot and your kids have also grown up, no longer the toddler and preschoolers they were, when we left. Oh how time flies and how much we all have changed. Of course it is inevitable, but still....
At the same time, for me at least, it was another reminder of how much I have changed in other ways. We no longer go to church!! I have gotten back to my passion with horses, and I have developed a new passion with my quilting. Back then, I was a harried mother, trying to be everything I saw everyone else try to be. I felt back then, like our family was low man on the Christian totem pole. Plus, I struggled to be that southern mama. But I feel like where we live now, I've come into my own, by being able to listen to what it is that I truly like and no longer attempt to be like someone else. I also walked away with the inspiration to want to make sure that take good care of my physical health and continue on the path that fits me best. So yup, a blast from the past and yet it was a nice closure for me as well. As I'm sure I've said before, some people come into your life but for a moment. There were some good times and fond memories and I will treasure them and wish those that I once knew, a wonderful life.
At the same time, for me at least, it was another reminder of how much I have changed in other ways. We no longer go to church!! I have gotten back to my passion with horses, and I have developed a new passion with my quilting. Back then, I was a harried mother, trying to be everything I saw everyone else try to be. I felt back then, like our family was low man on the Christian totem pole. Plus, I struggled to be that southern mama. But I feel like where we live now, I've come into my own, by being able to listen to what it is that I truly like and no longer attempt to be like someone else. I also walked away with the inspiration to want to make sure that take good care of my physical health and continue on the path that fits me best. So yup, a blast from the past and yet it was a nice closure for me as well. As I'm sure I've said before, some people come into your life but for a moment. There were some good times and fond memories and I will treasure them and wish those that I once knew, a wonderful life.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Some Days Are Just Challenging
Tomorrow is my husband's and mine, 32nd Anniversary. Wow... it's hard to believe that we've been together that long, raised 3 kids and now have 2 adorable granddaughters!! Life often feels like it goes at a snails pace, but then you have moments where it feels like it flies by. It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago, that we were shuffling kids to school and taking them to basketball, soccer and baseball practices and games and such. How busy we were back then.
Anyways, hubby has taken the day off (yea) and we're going to spend the day down in Tubac, looking around at all the specialty shops and go out for lunch. Tubac is a place that both of us enjoy. Originally hubby was thinking of the traditional dinner out, but I wanted to do something fun and out of the ordinary. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something together. Especially after the day I had today.
Today was a rough day. One of my horses, came up lame several days ago and I've been soaking her feet. This morning, I noticed a place where the pus had come out, which is a good thing. So I got online and found info on how to make a poultice for her and put that on and wrapped her leg. Wrapping her leg was... uh, interesting. Mija has little patience for someone messing with her feet, so my wrapping wasn't exactly professional looking. When I came out later tonight to feed the horses, I watched as my other horse Bree, was attempting to pull of Mija's bandages. Arghhhh!! So I had to re-wrap it. Well.... I wished that it had been as easy as that, but eventually, we had a heart to heart about me trying to help her. Mija walked over to where I was sitting on the ground, sobbing in frustration. She looked down at my medical kit I had out and I explained to her, that I was just trying to help her feel better. Mija said, "okay". After that, she stood very nicely, while I put the poultice on and re-wrapped her legs. Whew!
And then earlier in the day, my dog Jax, had found my eye glasses and had chewed off the ear pieces. YIKES!!! So in between bandaging an injured horse, I had to run down to the eye glass place to see if they could fix my glasses for me. Well, they couldn't, so I had to buy new frames. Baaaddd Jax!!! So, as I said, not the best of days, but it's over and I'm looking forward to celebrating our anniversary tomorrow.
Anyways, hubby has taken the day off (yea) and we're going to spend the day down in Tubac, looking around at all the specialty shops and go out for lunch. Tubac is a place that both of us enjoy. Originally hubby was thinking of the traditional dinner out, but I wanted to do something fun and out of the ordinary. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something together. Especially after the day I had today.
Today was a rough day. One of my horses, came up lame several days ago and I've been soaking her feet. This morning, I noticed a place where the pus had come out, which is a good thing. So I got online and found info on how to make a poultice for her and put that on and wrapped her leg. Wrapping her leg was... uh, interesting. Mija has little patience for someone messing with her feet, so my wrapping wasn't exactly professional looking. When I came out later tonight to feed the horses, I watched as my other horse Bree, was attempting to pull of Mija's bandages. Arghhhh!! So I had to re-wrap it. Well.... I wished that it had been as easy as that, but eventually, we had a heart to heart about me trying to help her. Mija walked over to where I was sitting on the ground, sobbing in frustration. She looked down at my medical kit I had out and I explained to her, that I was just trying to help her feel better. Mija said, "okay". After that, she stood very nicely, while I put the poultice on and re-wrapped her legs. Whew!
And then earlier in the day, my dog Jax, had found my eye glasses and had chewed off the ear pieces. YIKES!!! So in between bandaging an injured horse, I had to run down to the eye glass place to see if they could fix my glasses for me. Well, they couldn't, so I had to buy new frames. Baaaddd Jax!!! So, as I said, not the best of days, but it's over and I'm looking forward to celebrating our anniversary tomorrow.
Life Moves On
As I re-read what I posted yesterday, I have no regrets. I wrote straight from my heart and I stand by every word. I think when we share negative emotions, it can go two ways, either it can be freeing to express our frustrations, or we can feel like we want to take back our negative words. I feel free!
As I mulled over my words yesterday, I realized that what I was looking for on those forums, was friendships. But can you honestly have friendships online with complete or nearly complete strangers? I thought that I could. I still believe that it is possible in the right settings to form lasting friendships. My husband was quick to remind me, that forums tend to be cliquish as well as superficial and maybe they are not the best place for someone like me, who is prone to caring too much. I think he may be right about that. I do have to say that I have met a lot of wonderful people, who opened my eyes to a lot of things that I wouldn't otherwise have known about. So it's not a total loss. I have also traveled thru the country to meet up with many of them, which for me, is a huge thing for me to have done. Traveling by myself and meeting up with strangers, is a huge threshold for me, that normally I would avoid doing. But I did it!! So I can be proud of myself for that.
Being on forums, I was exposed to new ideas and different ways of doing things. I've learned about natural horsemanship, I've learned how to stretch myself out and share what I normally would keep to myself. I've picked up on information regarding Essential Oils, learning to be positive (I was formally the Drama Queen of Negativity), I was introduced to the Laws of Attraction, new recipes (friends are always good for getting you out of cooking ruts)... oh, all sorts of new things I've learned. And I will always be grateful for the things that I've picked up from those that I've met on forums.The people I have met, are wonderful people.
That being said, I've had to face that the down side of forums, were too much for me to handle. And that's okay. It's good to recognize what you feel comfortable with and what you don't. The down side for me is the tendency on forums, for many people to speed read. Speed reading is something we've all done from time to time when we're in a rush and want to catch up quickly. But done on a regular basis, it's a disservice that we do to others. My personal opinion (being the sensitive type) is that if someone is sharing something, then it is important to them. And I want to acknowledge that. But not everyone feels as I do. So that was a struggle for me. Sometimes, and I've had this happen to me several times, is that someone will scan thru something you've written and respond. And then others will look at that poster's comments and make comments based on what was said, not the original post. I literally, got into an argument one time, when I posted something, someone else responded without paying attention to what I had written and more people responded to the misrepresentation. Oh my, what a mess as I tried to sort it out and repeat the correct version and someone actually argued with me about my own story. Seriously??!!! And because I tried to fix the misconception, with one of the "in" people, I was on the outs with this group for several weeks!!! Why I stayed, is beyond me. The problem was, people didn't want to take the time to read what one another was posting. I find responding to someone, by skimming over what is written or using someone else's comments as a base from which you respond, is just plain rude. Someone took the time to write- to share their thoughts and speed reading and then responding, is disrespectful. If you don't have time to carefully read and respond, just say that.
Another down side would be the "in" group. This one forum that I'm on, there is a definite "in group"... lovely ladies all, but those 5 or 6 people, tend to have conversations thru the day, amongst themselves and the rest of us tend to be the tag a longs. I suppose that's human nature to some degree, but for someone like me, who when I share something, I'm sharing from my heart, so when it gets ignored, it hurts me. Anyways, after looking at this and speaking with my husband about my frustrations, I can now easily see, that as much as I like the people and have learned a lot from them, this is just not a setting that works well for me. It's just not worth feeling so hurt during the day. I would do better with face to face friendships, with my personality. I don't need to feel like I have to be someone I'm not, just to fit in. And that's what I was ending up doing.
Anyways... Life moves on and I've been neglecting the things that I was enjoying doing. It would be great and wonderful if I had some people that I could share my excitement and discouragements with... but I have to face that I don't have that... yet. But that shouldn't stop me from doing what I enjoy. So it's time to get back to that and leave forum life behind. And with that said, I have some more tote bags that I need to be finishing up. Later, I will post the ones that I have already finished.
As I mulled over my words yesterday, I realized that what I was looking for on those forums, was friendships. But can you honestly have friendships online with complete or nearly complete strangers? I thought that I could. I still believe that it is possible in the right settings to form lasting friendships. My husband was quick to remind me, that forums tend to be cliquish as well as superficial and maybe they are not the best place for someone like me, who is prone to caring too much. I think he may be right about that. I do have to say that I have met a lot of wonderful people, who opened my eyes to a lot of things that I wouldn't otherwise have known about. So it's not a total loss. I have also traveled thru the country to meet up with many of them, which for me, is a huge thing for me to have done. Traveling by myself and meeting up with strangers, is a huge threshold for me, that normally I would avoid doing. But I did it!! So I can be proud of myself for that.
Being on forums, I was exposed to new ideas and different ways of doing things. I've learned about natural horsemanship, I've learned how to stretch myself out and share what I normally would keep to myself. I've picked up on information regarding Essential Oils, learning to be positive (I was formally the Drama Queen of Negativity), I was introduced to the Laws of Attraction, new recipes (friends are always good for getting you out of cooking ruts)... oh, all sorts of new things I've learned. And I will always be grateful for the things that I've picked up from those that I've met on forums.The people I have met, are wonderful people.
That being said, I've had to face that the down side of forums, were too much for me to handle. And that's okay. It's good to recognize what you feel comfortable with and what you don't. The down side for me is the tendency on forums, for many people to speed read. Speed reading is something we've all done from time to time when we're in a rush and want to catch up quickly. But done on a regular basis, it's a disservice that we do to others. My personal opinion (being the sensitive type) is that if someone is sharing something, then it is important to them. And I want to acknowledge that. But not everyone feels as I do. So that was a struggle for me. Sometimes, and I've had this happen to me several times, is that someone will scan thru something you've written and respond. And then others will look at that poster's comments and make comments based on what was said, not the original post. I literally, got into an argument one time, when I posted something, someone else responded without paying attention to what I had written and more people responded to the misrepresentation. Oh my, what a mess as I tried to sort it out and repeat the correct version and someone actually argued with me about my own story. Seriously??!!! And because I tried to fix the misconception, with one of the "in" people, I was on the outs with this group for several weeks!!! Why I stayed, is beyond me. The problem was, people didn't want to take the time to read what one another was posting. I find responding to someone, by skimming over what is written or using someone else's comments as a base from which you respond, is just plain rude. Someone took the time to write- to share their thoughts and speed reading and then responding, is disrespectful. If you don't have time to carefully read and respond, just say that.
Another down side would be the "in" group. This one forum that I'm on, there is a definite "in group"... lovely ladies all, but those 5 or 6 people, tend to have conversations thru the day, amongst themselves and the rest of us tend to be the tag a longs. I suppose that's human nature to some degree, but for someone like me, who when I share something, I'm sharing from my heart, so when it gets ignored, it hurts me. Anyways, after looking at this and speaking with my husband about my frustrations, I can now easily see, that as much as I like the people and have learned a lot from them, this is just not a setting that works well for me. It's just not worth feeling so hurt during the day. I would do better with face to face friendships, with my personality. I don't need to feel like I have to be someone I'm not, just to fit in. And that's what I was ending up doing.
Anyways... Life moves on and I've been neglecting the things that I was enjoying doing. It would be great and wonderful if I had some people that I could share my excitement and discouragements with... but I have to face that I don't have that... yet. But that shouldn't stop me from doing what I enjoy. So it's time to get back to that and leave forum life behind. And with that said, I have some more tote bags that I need to be finishing up. Later, I will post the ones that I have already finished.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Enough Already!!!
Perhaps I shouldn't even be writing when I am feeling this angry... but I have found that it can be cathartic for me to vent and get the negative toxins out of me, so that I can be more at peace, with me... with my life. And often times, in venting, I find direction for myself. So here goes...
I am beyond fed up with "friends", relationships and people in general!!! My husband has told me numerous of times, that I am not out in the "world" enough, to learn how to harden myself against the disrespect. And he's right, I haven't been. I get to pop out long enough to have some contact, do what I need to do and go back to the safety of my home. On top of that, I am a very sensitive person, so I tend to feel and see more. And I take things personally. But honestly (from my perspective) people can be soooo insensitive and create a world that is all about them, that they can't see how much they've brought pain to someone else.
Time after time, I find myself being on the outside of groups. No matter how I try to fit in... I find myself being ostracized. I'm not part of some "in" group, so I can watch conversations go around me and pass up anything that I may have to share. Someone else can say what I've just finished saying, and they are the ones who get responded to. I can't even begin to tell you how often I've thought to myself "Can you hear me now???" I mean, seriously, it's as if I hadn't spoken!!
I have two forums that I am a member of. People that I have known for a while now and yet... I'm still on the outside looking in. It doesn't matter what I post, for the most part, I get ignored. And the times that I don't get ignored, I get a passing response, while someone else, gets more of their attention. It hurts me deeply, that I think of these people as my friends and to be treated that way. Just in the past two weeks, most of what I've shared, got totally blown over and ignored!! And yet, when they are sharing something exciting in their lives, a cute photo or sharing a struggle they've gone thru, I'm there for them. But where are they, when I want to share an idea, a cute photo or a struggle that I'm going thru??? I can count more times that I've gotten ignored, than responded to and that's NOT a good thing!!! Don't they know or even care, that I am just as proud of my accomplishments and knowledge, as they are of theirs??? Do they know or care that I am just as proud of my new baby granddaughter, as they are of their own grandkids??? Or my horses and dog??? Geesh!!
Let me put this another way...don't you just love it when you share a photo of your grands, when you get positive responses of how beautiful they are? Well, I do too. How about when you share a pic or tel a story about your animals? You know they are the greatest and the smartest of of course, the most beautiful, right? Well, that's how I feel too. If you're having a bad day or a struggle, doesn't it help, just to know that some one else gets it? Maybe they offer an idea, but mostly they just love you and support you and tell you that you're still a great person? I like that too. But it seems to me, that so many people, just want to talk about themselves and maybe someone that they feel close to, but then they ignore the rest. :-( How sad.
Forum life is easy enough to move away from. You just stop wasting your time, posting. And that's what I am going to have to do, to save my sanity. But what do you do, when it's your family that does this as well? You begin to feel paranoid that there is something so wrong with you, that no one thinks you have any value. But I know that I do and I know that there are plenty of people who are missing out on what I bring to the table. Apparently they can live without that. So be it. It wouldn't be so bad, if I felt that I was important to my own husband tho. I'm weary of having conversations with him, on how it hurts to be ignored, only to have him apologize and do it again (eyes rolling). I feel like I'm a freak or something. Or maybe I don't really exist, except for in my own mind... who knows!!! My husband tells me that it's not me, but people (he does include himself in this). He tells me that people get stuck in their own little world and don't pay attention to the quieter ones.
Okay, so I know that I'm quiet. That's who I am. I don't force myself or my opinions, etc on others. I quietly wait for a spot, so I can speak. I'm not comfortable with being like a bull in a china shop and forcing myself on others. So what. Maybe... just maybe, people would realize that I can speak, if given the opportunity to be heard. I have lots to say and share... but I'm not going to fight to get a word in edge wise. Right now, I feel so battered. I don't want to fight to find a place amongst those I care about. I just want the ability to be me. I would love to have a BFF... but those spots have been taken up by others. So I remain on the outside of most conversations. It doesn't matter how intelligent I am, how I bring a different way of doing and looking at things, into a relationship. Nope... if you're considered popular, then those are the ones who people look up to for any ideas. People like me, get passed over.
You know what I want??? I want conversation. I want to be able to listen and respond and have someone listen and respond to me... whether it be about something serious or mundane... I want a two way conversation, where I know for sure, that I'm being heard. I don't care if people disagree with me, as long as I'm being treated with respect. Silence or throwing a few words at me, over your shoulder, as you walk away, is NOT respect!!! That's dismissive and that's rude and hurtful.
So with that being said... I'm done. Stick a fork in me... I'm done!!! No one seems to want to hear what I have to say... so I won't be wasting my time, talking. No one seems to feel that they can learn something new from me or be happy and share in that happiness, of the things I'm most proud of... so I won't waste their time or mine, on sharing. I'll keep it to myself. It's a pity really. There are a lot of quiet, sensitive people, who have much to share, if only they were given an opportunity. But instead, we live in a society where boisterous people, get all of the attention. Well, they don't have a monopoly on a good life, happy things or knowledge. So there's a lot us sensitive types can offer, but no one is hearing us.
Good bye to forum life and fair weathered friends... I'm finished putting myself in a position of being ignored.
I am beyond fed up with "friends", relationships and people in general!!! My husband has told me numerous of times, that I am not out in the "world" enough, to learn how to harden myself against the disrespect. And he's right, I haven't been. I get to pop out long enough to have some contact, do what I need to do and go back to the safety of my home. On top of that, I am a very sensitive person, so I tend to feel and see more. And I take things personally. But honestly (from my perspective) people can be soooo insensitive and create a world that is all about them, that they can't see how much they've brought pain to someone else.
Time after time, I find myself being on the outside of groups. No matter how I try to fit in... I find myself being ostracized. I'm not part of some "in" group, so I can watch conversations go around me and pass up anything that I may have to share. Someone else can say what I've just finished saying, and they are the ones who get responded to. I can't even begin to tell you how often I've thought to myself "Can you hear me now???" I mean, seriously, it's as if I hadn't spoken!!
I have two forums that I am a member of. People that I have known for a while now and yet... I'm still on the outside looking in. It doesn't matter what I post, for the most part, I get ignored. And the times that I don't get ignored, I get a passing response, while someone else, gets more of their attention. It hurts me deeply, that I think of these people as my friends and to be treated that way. Just in the past two weeks, most of what I've shared, got totally blown over and ignored!! And yet, when they are sharing something exciting in their lives, a cute photo or sharing a struggle they've gone thru, I'm there for them. But where are they, when I want to share an idea, a cute photo or a struggle that I'm going thru??? I can count more times that I've gotten ignored, than responded to and that's NOT a good thing!!! Don't they know or even care, that I am just as proud of my accomplishments and knowledge, as they are of theirs??? Do they know or care that I am just as proud of my new baby granddaughter, as they are of their own grandkids??? Or my horses and dog??? Geesh!!
Let me put this another way...don't you just love it when you share a photo of your grands, when you get positive responses of how beautiful they are? Well, I do too. How about when you share a pic or tel a story about your animals? You know they are the greatest and the smartest of of course, the most beautiful, right? Well, that's how I feel too. If you're having a bad day or a struggle, doesn't it help, just to know that some one else gets it? Maybe they offer an idea, but mostly they just love you and support you and tell you that you're still a great person? I like that too. But it seems to me, that so many people, just want to talk about themselves and maybe someone that they feel close to, but then they ignore the rest. :-( How sad.
Forum life is easy enough to move away from. You just stop wasting your time, posting. And that's what I am going to have to do, to save my sanity. But what do you do, when it's your family that does this as well? You begin to feel paranoid that there is something so wrong with you, that no one thinks you have any value. But I know that I do and I know that there are plenty of people who are missing out on what I bring to the table. Apparently they can live without that. So be it. It wouldn't be so bad, if I felt that I was important to my own husband tho. I'm weary of having conversations with him, on how it hurts to be ignored, only to have him apologize and do it again (eyes rolling). I feel like I'm a freak or something. Or maybe I don't really exist, except for in my own mind... who knows!!! My husband tells me that it's not me, but people (he does include himself in this). He tells me that people get stuck in their own little world and don't pay attention to the quieter ones.
Okay, so I know that I'm quiet. That's who I am. I don't force myself or my opinions, etc on others. I quietly wait for a spot, so I can speak. I'm not comfortable with being like a bull in a china shop and forcing myself on others. So what. Maybe... just maybe, people would realize that I can speak, if given the opportunity to be heard. I have lots to say and share... but I'm not going to fight to get a word in edge wise. Right now, I feel so battered. I don't want to fight to find a place amongst those I care about. I just want the ability to be me. I would love to have a BFF... but those spots have been taken up by others. So I remain on the outside of most conversations. It doesn't matter how intelligent I am, how I bring a different way of doing and looking at things, into a relationship. Nope... if you're considered popular, then those are the ones who people look up to for any ideas. People like me, get passed over.
You know what I want??? I want conversation. I want to be able to listen and respond and have someone listen and respond to me... whether it be about something serious or mundane... I want a two way conversation, where I know for sure, that I'm being heard. I don't care if people disagree with me, as long as I'm being treated with respect. Silence or throwing a few words at me, over your shoulder, as you walk away, is NOT respect!!! That's dismissive and that's rude and hurtful.
So with that being said... I'm done. Stick a fork in me... I'm done!!! No one seems to want to hear what I have to say... so I won't be wasting my time, talking. No one seems to feel that they can learn something new from me or be happy and share in that happiness, of the things I'm most proud of... so I won't waste their time or mine, on sharing. I'll keep it to myself. It's a pity really. There are a lot of quiet, sensitive people, who have much to share, if only they were given an opportunity. But instead, we live in a society where boisterous people, get all of the attention. Well, they don't have a monopoly on a good life, happy things or knowledge. So there's a lot us sensitive types can offer, but no one is hearing us.
Good bye to forum life and fair weathered friends... I'm finished putting myself in a position of being ignored.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Pause For A Moment
Sometimes I just need to take a break from people. When I start feeling like what I say or share, is being ignored or not considered good enough to listen to, that's my signal to break things off for a bit, before I start believing that it is I who is not good enough.
Taking care of our emotional health, is just as important as watching what we eat. I would even go further and say that if we don't take care of our emotional health, it won't matter how healthy we eat. Attitude accounts for soooooo much!!!
I also have found, that sometimes, taking those much needed breaks from people, helps me to see things much more clearly. Sometimes I come up with ways that I can handle things better. Sometimes I realize that I just need to stop banging my head against the proverbial brick wall and cut my losses. As always, if you have to cut ties with someone, it's always a good idea (again, for your own emotional well being) to never do it in anger or frustration. Every relationship was there for a reason. Not all relationships will last forever, but certainly the good that has come out of knowing someone, does. Realize that everything happens for a reason and it is always with our best interest in mind.
So instead of feeling defeated and unworthy or unwanted... I'm going to take a much needed break. I don't need to keep pushing myself on others, if indeed, perhaps they've seen that I no longer fit in their lives (yes, it works both ways). I also don't need to go around feeling like I'm stupid or have nothing worth contributing to others or be viewed as not having anything worth listening to. It's not about someone following any suggestions or ideas that I've made, it's the lack of respect that I feel, for what I may share, that has hurt me.
What I know for sure is... I am a good person and I don't need to rely on anyone else to confirm that. Either they see it, or they don't. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean that I'm not worthy enough as a wife, a mother, a daughter or a friend... it just means, that I may be with the wrong person(s). No one should struggle to fit in.
I like myself, just the way I am. I am who I am and I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life. That needs to be good enough and relationships are just the icing, on all of that.
Taking care of our emotional health, is just as important as watching what we eat. I would even go further and say that if we don't take care of our emotional health, it won't matter how healthy we eat. Attitude accounts for soooooo much!!!
I also have found, that sometimes, taking those much needed breaks from people, helps me to see things much more clearly. Sometimes I come up with ways that I can handle things better. Sometimes I realize that I just need to stop banging my head against the proverbial brick wall and cut my losses. As always, if you have to cut ties with someone, it's always a good idea (again, for your own emotional well being) to never do it in anger or frustration. Every relationship was there for a reason. Not all relationships will last forever, but certainly the good that has come out of knowing someone, does. Realize that everything happens for a reason and it is always with our best interest in mind.
So instead of feeling defeated and unworthy or unwanted... I'm going to take a much needed break. I don't need to keep pushing myself on others, if indeed, perhaps they've seen that I no longer fit in their lives (yes, it works both ways). I also don't need to go around feeling like I'm stupid or have nothing worth contributing to others or be viewed as not having anything worth listening to. It's not about someone following any suggestions or ideas that I've made, it's the lack of respect that I feel, for what I may share, that has hurt me.
What I know for sure is... I am a good person and I don't need to rely on anyone else to confirm that. Either they see it, or they don't. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean that I'm not worthy enough as a wife, a mother, a daughter or a friend... it just means, that I may be with the wrong person(s). No one should struggle to fit in.
I like myself, just the way I am. I am who I am and I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life. That needs to be good enough and relationships are just the icing, on all of that.
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